Falling Through Our Darkness

It’s our favorite little taco shop in the Museum District, and looks and feels like a sports bar, but once inside you will find families, couples, and tables filled with after work friends.  As we walked in last night, he was sitting by the door, clean, but badly sunburned, and his eyes told me he was homeless and so very alone.  When MaryBeth went to wash up, our eyes met and his eyes pleaded for compassion.  All of us along our journeys have had times we felt homeless, so alone in our darkness, and inside pleading.  I meet cancer patients every day that are stuck on the edge of their darkness, feeling homeless in their fear driven fatigue and unworthiness.  In his book Finding Inner Courage, Nepo talks about falling through the darkness in order to fall into life.  

Aliveness - Essence of the Universe

Saturday was a time for deep listening as I felt the presence of my frailties holding me back from experiencing real aliveness.  It is through these internal explorations, deep dives into our humanness that our biochemistry shifts, and we drink in life differently. 

Right before sunset we took a kayak trip on our lake as the storm clouds moved in from the north.  The sky was huge, painted across a deep blue canvas with massive cloud structures spilling their reflections across the water.  As we paddled toward the setting sun, I could feel the pull of my aliveness in my breath.  Today, seek your aliveness in still moments and join the essence of the universe.  

Sharing Your Life Story

Several months ago, I was in OH at a small Catholic University where I spoke with students and faculty about whole-person living.  My favorite part of the trip was meeting with the clinical staff and residents in their long-term care facility.  As I walked around the facility listening to stories from residents and staff, I was inspired by the life lessons they shared.  The inter-reflecting life themes in their stories spoke about the power of mistakes and patience.  They talked about risk, courage, and trusting oneself as we improvise our way through life.  Have you started to share your life lessons with those that matter most?  If not, maybe exploring your life story this summer would be a good project.  

Soul Work

Soul Work

This has been a month of heavy reflection as the weight of the past two days of tests and procedures to assess the growth of my cancer approached.  Last night I woke just past midnight, and realized it had been a month wrapped in prayer, meditation, and healing imagery.  There have been other times in my life when my soul work, buoyed by the soul work of others accomplishes the extraordinary, and yesterday was such a day. 

The cancers in my lymph nodes and hipbones have little new growth.  A new speck on a rib and backbone are too small to measure, and besides my tumor markers are down, so my oncologists agreed I should stick with my current oral chemo.  My soul work feels like a flower bursting with color, surrounded by the life sustaining love of others.  Thank you, may my soul work touch your life today.

We Don't Do Life Alone

Link to my Story

Yesterday, as I sat in multiple waiting rooms, I was reminded how much they felt like athletic dressing rooms of my past with a mix of individuals tired of the fight and those that couldn’t wait for the start of the 2^nd half.  I ask her if the chair was taken, and she motioned for me to sit down, and we talked briefly; she was with her husband, who no longer worked, but she wished he did.  A tall large man limped into the seat across the far aisle and they began to try to talk, I got up and motioned him into my seat. 

We followed each other to two other waiting rooms, I watched them sit apart, and my heart felt his exhaustion and loneliness.  After my last appointment, I visited a friend doing inpatient chemo, and he, his wife and I talked about our shared cancer journeys – for we don’t do life alone.   

Live Out Our Courage

I was up early, for today starts two days and ten appointments consisting of scans, x-rays, blood draws, and a bone marrow aspiration.  I am in a clinical study that is looking at how the order of three different drugs slows down advanced prostate cancer.  Wednesday, I sit with my oncologist and discuss the new drugs I will start, for the first drug only worked a few months.  Last night MaryBeth, Auggie, and I shared dinner with another couple and laughed a lot as we shared puppy stories.  As we walked home, I thought about what Nepo calls “living from our core” and how much of life we spend searching for the inner courage to face the unknown.  I’ve always been a good tree climber and last night as I climbed a tree in my dreams, I felt the light that is at the center of my core and gives me the inner courage to thrive.  

Saying Goodbye Turns to Rose Tears

Last week I was in Minneapolis teaching at the 40^th anniversary of the National Wellness Institute and saying goodbye to the many friends I have made at the conference over the years.  Several months ago, I realized I needed to start letting go bits and pieces of my life to allow more time for inner exploration, and writing / sharing my living experience and what I’ve begun to call “cancer thrivership”.

 Long ago, I learned saying goodbye is never easy, but I wanted to do this on my own terms, so I’d usually start with, “I need to say goodbye”, and they’d say, “Oh you’re leaving early”, and I say, “no, I need to say goodbye, I won’t be back next year”.  We’d hug, cry a little, and I’d whisper in their ear, “have an awesome life”.  We left Minneapolis and went to Columbus OH for a mini-family reunion.  The rain in Columbus, left tears on the roses, just like the rose tears I felt on my heart.  Rose tears collected from shared inner moments of life overflowing, as I said goodbye to my National Wellness friends.  

Brokenness

One of my favorite places of stillness on our campus is the Mays Chapel garden, a small garden partly covered by a canvas canopy.  In its center is a tree with an old tangled wind chime hanging from a lower branch.  Ferns and other leafy plants and bushes encircle the tree, and hide several ceramic sculptures who call the garden home.  One of the sculptures is a small angel with a broken wing.  There are times in my life I am stuck in the pain of feeling broken, and can’t seem to let it go.  The silent stillness of the garden helps me lean into my brokenness, connecting me deep inside to the wholeness of life.  Lean into your brokenness and let go.

Cancer Changes Your Life View

Maybe it’s just me, but I know from sharing with others, having cancer changes the way you view life.  My dad’s timing in life sucked, but he was one of the most resilient individuals I have ever known.  After multiple failed restaurants, bankruptcy, and losing my mom to cancer, he somehow always managed to give joy to others.  One of my last visits with him before he died of cancer we sat on the back porch watching long tree shadows spread across the lawn as the sun went down.  I didn’t realize he was dying.  It’s in our fight for life that we find life waiting for us in moments shared with loved ones, friends, sunrises and sunsets.  Life is about being present for each and every life moment.

Friendships

This Friday, MaryBeth and I leave for the National Wellness Conference in Minneapolis where we both will teach and help celebrate the 40^th anniversary of the association.  For several weeks now, I’ve been thinking about this trip, conference, and the friends I’ll laugh, eat, and cry with.  These friendships have brought me great joy, and many have supported me throughout my wellness career and now in my cancer journey. 

This past week I’ve been teaching groups of cancer survivors and caregivers how to get out of their heads and into their hearts.  Friendship is a heart led thing and the touch of a friend can quiet our endless mind chatter/fears, and open up our hearts.  This next week I’ll breathe in friendships that have been my life energy and thank them for the precious gift we have shared.  Open your heart to a friend today.  

Sunrise Shouting

Christmas morning at our lake house, I watched the fog slowly burn off the lake, and thought about Nepo’s words about still moments of silence.  We were several days out on a 7-day hike, spending the night in one of the many White Mountain lean-to’s along our trail.  In the wee morning hours, a large porcupine woke us as he climbed over campers looking for food.  I had never seen a porcupine that large, and everyone was scared, so we hit the trail before sunrise, agreeing to stop and watch the sun come up at breakfast.  The majority of the kids were from the Boston ghettos, and I remember their eyes as that giant yellow ball seem to rise out of the pass far below.  One kid finally ask, “What is that”, and I replied “sunrise”.  It was in that still moment that I heard my “be” shout deep inside be a teacher.  Listen to your “be” lately? 

          

Passing Life Moments On

Bill Baun Cancer Thriver

The stories we tell ourselves, about ourselves, is our life story, and helps organize our experiences giving us a sense of self.  Stories also play a role in determining our behaviors, and who we will become.  When we begin to understand our stories, we gain the wisdom of life lessons, which ultimately becomes the source of our most trusted guidance for living.  Our wisdom becomes a touchstone of inspiration, guidance, and teachable moments, as we share it with loved ones who may encounter similar experience along their life journeys.  Life stories get to the “heart” of what really matters and give us a greater sense of purpose, meaning, and direction for living.  Sharing these stories helps shape the future path for others creating generational touchstones that will last long after we are gone.  

Fear is Like Cholesterol

Fear is like cholesterol – we need some, but too much cholesterol and our hearts clog up, and our life energy suffers.  Too much fear and our mind chatter turns irrational or maybe too rational and our nervous systems freeze up.  A healthy nervous system can bounce back, but a weakened system or a dysregulated system hangs on to stress and it gets harder and harder to manage emotions.  In a dysregulated system, there is no buffer zone or window of tolerance and it is easy for fear to rise up again and again. 

                                                                                               

Through my teaching and coaching this week, I met several patients and caregivers trapped in fear cycles.  I talked to them about the self-care and well-being practices that would increase their resiliency.  Life can be hard, but a resilient / healthy nervous system discharges stress and brings us back to balance and flow.  Consider these resiliency practices: move more, eat right, pray / meditate, develop a large network of good friends, and have a purpose in life   meaningful to you. 

Air Steps: Empowering Faith

A cancer journey is filled with leaps of faith.  I call these “air steps,” after my Army days when every time I jumped out of an airplane or rappelled from a helicopter, that first step before the chute or rope took hold was taken in faith.  My cancer journey has been filled with many air steps: body scans, body probes, surgeries, radiation, and multiple drug protocols and oral chemos that have extended my life and fueled my passion to tell my story about the awesomeness of life.  Faith is more than believing in the unseen or unknown.  Faith is believing in something larger than yourself (e.g. God, love, family, and peace).  But, faith is more than just thinking about it, or having strong convictions.  Faith is about taking next steps, and moving to action.  My leaps of faith have led to hope, joy, trust, confidence, grace, and devotion to deep prayer and meditation.  Have you taken any air steps lately?   

Healing Calm

Healing calm is the practice of still moments in our lives that connect us deep within ourselves and where healing unfolds.

*Modified from Mark Nepo

Survivorship Week at MD Anderson

This is Survivorship Week at MD Anderson where we celebrate with individuals that are living with, living through, and living beyond cancer.  Cancer is a family and friend affair, so family caregivers and friends are recognized as survivors at MD Anderson and are welcome to all activities.  Down load the brochure with all the dates/times/locations of all the activities. 

This week I will teach: Living & Healing in Gratitude on Monday, Healing Calm: The Practice of Stillness on Tuesday along with a Healing Bracelet Workshop.  On Wednesday, I will teach Air Steps (steps of faith) and lead another Healing Bracelet Workshop.  Thursday, I will lead an Onco Walk called Walking: Pathways to Health, Hope and Joy, and Friday I will close the week with a class on Passing Life Moments On.  For me, Survivorship Week is a time to celebrate the awesomeness of life with old and new friends.  All week my blog will give those too far to attend the celebration, high points from my classes.  This week CELEBRATE your survivorship by thanking those that matter! 

MD Anderson Survivorship Brochure