Being the Best You in 2106

The last few weeks I’ve been leading meditation walks for patients, caregivers, and employees at the labyrinth on the east side of the Texas School of Public Health.  Drawings of labyrinths have been found in prehistoric rock art across the globe and have been used in many of the world’s religions for growth and renewal.  Unlike a maze with its twists, turns, false starts, and dead ends (for some a metaphor for our life journeys), a labyrinths simple journey frees our minds to relax and search for peace, love, and express gratitude, hope, and love.  Walking a labyrinth can move us closer to resolving inner conflict or discomfort, and can still our minds giving us clarity as we walk to the center of our souls. 

How have you reflected on 2015, gained and accepted new life learnings, and prepared yourself for being the best you can be in 2016?  New Year's resolutions or setting new goals are not enough.  Sharing my labyrinth walks the past few weeks, watching the tears as others let go, listening to walkers at they talk about the clarity or peace the walk gave them, renewed my belief in the importance of the quiet space gained through practices like a labyrinth walk.  On this last day of 2015 take the time to reflect on who you are, where you are going, and how you will be the best you can be in 2016.  Happy New Year!

Christmas Day

I got up early and watched the lake mist greet the rising sun and usher in a new day.  It’s was an amazing Christening ceremony as the geese across the lake declared it was Christmas.  We kayaked after a light breakfast silently gliding across the calm glass covered lake singing our favorite Christmas carols and following a small Blue Heron whose disappearing reflection in the water reminded me of life’s temporariness.  My stamina has been decreasing as my chemo fatigue increases, so after a late brunch, I slept most of the afternoon, waking just in time to catch the early rise of the full moon.  She danced with the building storm clouds like I dance with my chemo fatigue and several times I caught her peeking through the tall pines, and I felt hope as my passion for life was reflected in her dance and presence.  Dance with life today!

Past Christmas Memory Moments

Did you see the moon last night?  She was well hidden by the dark storm clouds, and would peek out every few minutes reminding me of lost memory moments of past Christmases.  Kaleb’s second Christmas he had just turned 1, he was between crawling and walking.  We had no money so we bought him a second-hand plastic riding horse with wheels for $5.  Instead of wrapping it we put it inside a pillowcase, and I so remember him crawling inside the pillowcase, which left only his legs and diaper sticking out as he tried to back out with the horse.  And then there was the Christmas Kaleb was around 2 or 3 and he came into the kitchen with blood dripping from his mouth.  He had pulled a small glass ornament off the tree and bit into it thinking it was candy.  After that experience, we only had wood or paper ornaments on our trees.  After the 1989 rare snow fall, I have fond memories of the whole family making snowballs from the snow left on the two cars and making a miniature snowman.  Make Christmas memory moments this year to be unwrapped years from now as an inside smile.  

Good to be Home

                                                      

Our Mexico vacation was great, but it feels so good to be home.  As we turned into our driveway, we watched Sun Dance our outdoor cat slowly climbed out of his fleece-lined bed and Auggie (our Lagotto Romagnolo) couldn’t wait to get out of the car and give Sun Dance kisses. 

Last Thursday, while watching the storm clouds begin to take over the blue sky, I learned of the passing of Harry, a fellow cancer thriver.  Before the hard rain came, I cried storm tears for my loss, his family's loss, and the loss that will be felt by the many communities he served as MD Anderson’s Chief Diversity Officer.  Today, I celebrate Harry’s life and how much he taught us about the transformational power of heart-led living for individuals, teams, and communities.  Today, let joy push out my tears, for Harry has gone home. 

Spiritual Essence

It’s on beach walks with lava flow sunsets, when I am mesmerized by the soft sound of waves, gentle breezes, that I experience moments when the outside world slowly drifts away.   Moments when I become surrounded by feelings deep within me of being real and alive, and I am wrapped in my spiritual essence.  How many times in my life journey has fear, saddness, or anger increased my susceptibility to the voices of others telling me how I should feel and what is real.  It is during these times my spiritual essence becomes muted, and I lose touch with what makes me real and alive.  Thank God for lava flow sunsets, fresh vibrant flower petals after a rain, and even storm clouds sweeping across a darkened sky that bring us back home to our spiritual essence and feelings of being real and alive.  Breathe in the beauty that surrounds you and your spiritual essence today. 

Courage to Try

Funny how life works, it was years after my mom and dad had both died that I understood and appreciated how hard my dad had worked to pay for my mom’s cancer treatments.  In the end the costs drove our family to bankruptcy, and what I will never forget is my dad’s courage to try!  How many times did I watch my dad fail, but he always seem to come up with the courage to begin again.  Today, as I thought about my birthday tomorrow, I couldn’t help but recognize the influence my dad had on the way I have approached life.  

The beach pier took me past the hot sand, a slight left over deeper water, and then it abruptly ended just before the breakers.  As I walked the pier it became a metaphor for life with all its challenges, my failures, and all the times my life choices meant leaving the safety of the pier.  I was blessed with my dad’s courage to try and my birthday wish 15 minutes before midnight and my birthday is that my life has passed his legacy on…….

Trust in Life’s Awesomeness

Are you, like me, addicted to beautiful sunsets?  The clouds were too perfectly hung in the sky as the reddish orange blush of the setting sun slowly sank in the horizon.  But sunsets, like so much in life, are moments instantly lost as dusk moves to twilight.  December is my birthday month and filled with birthdays of family and close friends, moments of laughter and celebration I try hard not to lose.  Lost in the moment, I caught a purple flower petal that was spinning in the gentle wind, and for just an instant I felt her lightness against my palm.  Slowly I opened my palm and let her purple brilliance mix with the blush of the setting sun, and watched her spin away as the wind lifted her off my palm.  Learning to let go has been one of my hardiness spiritual lessons, a lesson of release, relief, surrender, and trusting in life’s awesomeness.  Trust in life’s awesomeness this holiday season. 

Cirque du Soleil Riviera Maya

Magical moments in life are painted upon my soul with deep emotional brush strokes that color my life forever. Wednesday night I experienced one of these moments as dusk spread across the Cirque du Soleil Riviera Maya with clouds seeking shelter from the darkness and small silent ripples licked reflections off the water.  A warm wind moved across us like gentle fingers as we walked in this moment that would be painted on my soul forever.  May you have magical moments this holiday season.    

Pure Love

Wednesday is new patient day in the Genitourinary Cancer Center, so the front desk is busy and the waiting room chairs close to the clinic doors are usually taken.  We are a bunch of old men who can’t hear and must sit near the doors to ensure we don’t miss our appointments when the nurse calls our names.  After checking in, I looked for an open chair and found one across from a couple about my age.  He wore a Vietnam Vet cap, and I thanked him for his service as I sat down.  Their fingers were softly entwined in a way that suggested they had been together for many lifetimes, and you could feel the concern in her eyes as she looked at his walker.  It has been said that love is the deepest emotion we will ever experience, and watching these two lovers I could feel a love that had transformed into more than the brightest firefly.  In her book haiku mind, Patricia Donegan, describes how love moves us to another level of “being”, where there is no self and no lover – just pure love.  May your holiday be filled with pure love.       

First Light

first light
everything in this room
was already here

**Christopher Herod

Yesterday, was a cancer care day, with diagnostic blood work, and follow-up discussions with my oncologist nurse, research nurse, and advanced practice nurse.  We meet individually and each care for me in their own special way.  This was the first time in months that my numbers looked good, and as I opened the door that leads back to the waiting room a ray of sunlight slowed my progression as I felt a ray pierce my heart and soul.  There are too many days that just happen and I fail to recognize and appreciate what is there for me every day.  The stars and moon of early morning, first light blushes, clouds drifting across a Texas blue sky – all giving me moments of unconditional goodness.  “Be” a part of these moments today. 

Attitude is Everything

Let’s see, what to pack for our upcoming vacation to the Riviera Maya resort in Mexico?  I’ve been loading my Kindle with plenty of fiction and nonfiction books to read and have started laying out the few books from work I really want to bring.  MaryBeth and I always are in the middle of writing projects, so I need to ensure I’ve packed the appropriate flash drives.  She’s already in the midst of deciding outfits, rolling up and packing clothes – that’s like the last thing I’ll do.  Will first I need to do my laundry, so I can pack.  Last night I laid out all the different chargers: phone, Kindle, Kindle Fire, camera, and computer.  What am I leaving off?  Print off the airline tickets, make sure we’ve got the resort reservation paperwork, Global Entry cards, and our passports.  Still feels like I’m missing something?  Oh yea, need to pack up a grandson or two just to make sure I don’t act like an old man who is enjoying doing nothing at the resort.  When have I ever acted like an old man?  Attitude is everything! 

Lightning Strike a Heart

It was a bad thunderstorm for the White Mountains and several times we had the hikers drop their packs, spread out and adopt the “lighting position” we’d taught and practiced at basecamp.  The kids were scared, and I was scared, so when the storm moved off we were relieved, but now we had a new issue, we were cold, wet, tired, and the storm had driven us off the trail.  I remember holding one of the kids as he cried, telling me he was too tired to go on as darkness covered us.  As we stood there, a faraway lightning strike lit up the sky and I saw a glimpse of our trail slowly winding 100 feet below.  Most of the Thanksgiving long weekend I rested, exhausted by my tooth extraction and starting back on both oral chemos.  We’ve all been there, tired, wet, and feeling lost.  Sunday, I spent time with my grandkids, and at the end of the day I caught a glimpse of the trail slowly winding down off the lonely places we all sometimes go.  Lightning strike someone’s heart this week and help them glow.  

Gratitude Bracelets

With George Winston’s “December” album playing in the background, my abscessed tooth finally out and the real feeling that healing has begun, I realize I have so much to be thankful for this Thanksgiving eve.  Many of you have connected to the stories in my life blog and shared with me your stories, growing our understanding together about this awesome journey we call life.  Yesterday, a short piece I’d written about gratitude bracelets was published in Cancercerwise, an MD Anderson blog site written by cancer survivors and caregivers to provide support and inspiration for others along their cancer journey.  I wanted to share this piece with you as my Thanksgiving gift to all of you who have joined me in my journey.  You may decide to make gratitude bracelets a part of your Thanksgiving traditions.  Be Well – Be Grateful – bill  

Gratitude Bracelet Making

Gift of Gratitude

My dad visited several days before my back fusion in the mid-70’s, but couldn’t stay for the surgery.  However, it didn’t matter, for my mom who had died years before came to me during the surgery, and then sat with me for days after in the recovery room calming my fears as she shared the joy she’d experienced in our short life together.  I remember waking up in the recovery room expecting to see my mom sitting by the bed.  She wasn’t there, but her faith and gratitude in the goodness of life was, a gift I had watched her live through her cancer journey.  Exactly one month ago I started the pain, sinus infection saga with my abscessed tooth, and today MD Anderson dental will extract it.  Last night’s memories of my mom’s care during my back fusion underlined once again the gift of gratitude we all receive – all we have to do is accept it, and live it.  As you prepare for the holiday, may you live the gift of gratitude.    

Thanksgiving Meal Traditions

What are your favorite Thanksgiving meal traditions that ensure those around the table share the spirit of gratefulness and love?  You have a few days to prepare and I have a few suggestions. 

1.    Cut out rectangle scraps of paper and have each guest write one thing they are grateful for on the paper.  Make a gratitude chain that can grow each with each Thanksgiving and be hung at this time of the year in the kitchen as a reminder of past years thankfulness. 

2.    Put all the guest names in a hat and take turns drawing names and giving thanks for one thing about the person they picked.

3.    Have guest write one thing they are thankful for and put these in a hat.  Pull the notes out and see who can guess which guest wrote what.

4.    Use a tree branch with fall leaves to make a memory tree hung with pictures of memories that will bring smiles and good stories.

5.    There is no better way to show gratitude than by serving others.  Have each guest serve another their Thanksgiving plate.

6.    Place 5 kernels of corn at each place setting and before the meal tell how in the cold, harsh winter of 1621, sometimes only 5 kernels of corn were rationed out to eat.  But even the small size of the ration was viewed as a blessing.  It’s not the size of our blessings that matter, but being grateful for the small ordinary things in life that make life so very special. 

7.    Before the meal have guests that are interested write a Thanksgiving poem or pray to be used at the meal. 

I hope these ideas remind you of your own Thanksgiving meal traditions and get you thinking of new ways to honor the holiday by ensuring gratitude is at the center of the celebration.  

Mindful Breathing Spaces

The last few days I’ve been running around to meetings, coaching, and teaching.  However, I’ve gotten pretty good at snatching a few minutes throughout the day to grab “mindful breathing space”.  We all take structured and random breaks during the day for physiologic and psychological rest, but we need breaks where we give full attention to ourselves and our spirits.  Mindful breathing space refreshes us, reset our attitude, significantly reduces stress, and engages our spirit in a way that reenergizes our passion for being our best.  Are you taking mindful breathing spaces during your day?  Mindful breathing space = one minute of full awareness or checking in, a second minute focused only on your breathing, and the last minute taking your awareness into your thoughts and emotions expanding the possibilities of being your best!

Rainbow Bubble of Love

This morning a cab pulled up next to me at a stoplight with his windows down and radio blaring “You’ve Lost that Lovin’ Feeling.  As we drove off, we traded thumbs up and the music took me back to the Laughter Yoga class I taught yesterday.  It was a small class of four women, all cancer survivors, one was very weak and had trouble standing.  At the start of the class, I always ask what role humor or laughter plays in their lives.  I was somewhat taken back for all agreed that there was little humor or laughter in their lives or cancer journeys.  Laughter yoga is one of the toughest classes I teach because attitude, letting go, and being playful is hard when scared.  But this class worked and by the end of the class we all felt the rainbow bubble of love that surrounded us.  We were all standing by our chairs with big smiles, none of us wanted to stop, for we’d shared that “lovin’ feeling”, and didn’t want to let it go.  Surround yourself with a rainbow bubble of love today and THRIVE!   

Attitude of Gratitude

Yesterday, I taught about “joy” in a class with caregivers and cancer survivors.  As I listened to individuals describe the joy in their lives, I was reminded of my own cancer journey and the importance that gratitude plays in moving me away from the fear and anger into a place where ordinary moments become special.  A 23 year, 4^th stage breast cancer survivor talked about reading at night to her granddaughter and her gratitude for granddaughter snuggles.  A young mom with thyroid cancer talked about her fatigue, daily stress, and fear because she really doesn’t have the energy for work or being the mom she wants to be for her young kids. 

We all know these feelings for life has gotten way to complex, and most of us are facing constant change in our work and home lives.  What are the daily wellness practices that help you deal with these times?  Have you included gratitude in these practices?  If not, you must for an attitude of gratitude brings a peaceful calm that resets your well-being, strengthens your resilience and increases the opportunity for you to be the best you can be!

What are you grateful for at home?
What are you grateful for at work?
What are you grateful for in life?

Remember an attitude of gratitude gives you more moments of being who you want to be! 

Teach Your Soul to Wander

I’d driven 18-wheelers all summer following the pea crops in Washington State, and it was time to head back to college, but I had dreamed all summer of surfing California.  The bus from Walla Walla took me to Portland, and from Portland to Redding California.  My flight home was out of Los Angeles, so I started hitchhiking south along U.S. highway 101, borrowing boards and surfing along the way.  My nights were filled with solitude where the only sound was the seductive whispering voice of the waves that taught my soul to wander.  When our souls wander and we are drawn into deep reflective thought, with each breath we open and take in so much more of ourselves, an intimacy only we can share with the symphony of life.  Have you taught your soul to wander?  

Expanded Sense of Life

Her husband attended a Sunday school class I taught, but I didn’t really know her.  Charlie ask me to start visiting with them, for she was dying and I was a hospice volunteer for VITAS.  Her last stages of life where very stressful for her and the family, and as I walked out into the evening after her passing I was physically exhausted, but filled with an expanding sense of life.  Most mornings I pray for the courage, faith, and life energy to be filled with an ever expanding sense of life.  It’s so easy in a cancer journey to be narrowed by fear, self-pity, and loss of hope, lessening our sense of things and shrinking our hearts.  I have learned that by sharing the seeds of my expanding sense of life in the morning with others, my heart like an opening flower touched by morning dew opens more fully to life moments.  Expand your sense of life today!

Connecting to the Now

Almost immediately, after my body cast was cut off, and I had started to gain strength, I headed back to school.  I worked as a Resident Assistant (RA) and lived at Kerr Hall my first semester at UNT.  My second semester, I started teaching and research assistantship positions, so I left my RA job and moved to a rooming house called the Red Ghetto that was across from the College of Music.  My room had a bed, stove, small refrigerator, and a bathroom.  It did not have a kitchen sink or heater, so I washed my dishes in the bathtub, and used the stove as a heater. 

My neighbors name was Sue, and we both were involved in long-distance relationships that made life and school hard.  Our bathrooms backed up against each other, and one morning we discovered we could talk through the plywood wall.  This led to sharing suppers, and evenings sitting outside sharing our dreams.  Sue and I moved from the Red Ghetto into a garage apartment with two separate living spaces.  Life and school got easier, and our long-distance relationships thrived, for Sue and I better connected each other to the “now”.  Surround yourself with people that better connect you to the NOW!      

Veterans Day Memories

My dad flew WWII and Korea, so I was proud to sign up for ROTC at LSU.  I remember carrying the guidon my first year of ROTC.  I remember how my training as a Bengal Raider prepared me for Ranger School.  I remember my basic training at Fort Sill, and the two friends in my squad at Fort Sill that would later die in Vietnam.  I remember the day I graduated from college, had a birthday, and was commissioned a 2nd Lieutenant.  I remember my first parachute jump, and the first time I jumped a jet.  I remember my first ride in a Huey, and my first ride in a Chinook.  I remember shooting the M1, M16, M60, 45 pistol, and the M67 recoilless rifle.  I remember going to work every day with a flak vest and helmet, carrying my M16 / 420 rounds, 45 pistol / 21 rounds, and my combat knife. 

I have life long memories of riding in medivacs where there was too much blood and pain.  I have life long memories of holding the first soldier to die in my arms.  I have life long memories of firing my M16 at someone that was shooting at me.  I remember being promoted to 1st Lieutenant and Captain, and then Tenneco forcing me to resign my Reserve Commission in exchange for their willingness to pay for a Ph.D.  I could never pay back what the GI Bill gave me by making graduate school possible.  I could never pay back what my 4 years active duty, and 10 years Army Reserves gave me in confidence, self-esteem, resilience, belief in team, and my ability to thrive in the best and worst of times.  I am a proud very grateful Vet.  Wish a Vet, “Happy Veterans Day today!”

  

Joy of Being

There is only now.  We breathe, we think, we walk, we talk, we play, we work, we meditate, we pray, but along the way we have to constantly remind ourselves that life unfolds in the present.  It’s so easy to get absorbed in the hope and fears of the future or ruminate about the past, as our minds like a movie mix scenes from the past, present, and future.  This way of life becomes addicting as our thoughts begin to control us, and we let the joy of present moments slip away.  Yesterday, as I sat in a waiting room, I watched an elderly couple, she had a freshly picked flower in her hands, and his tired eyes held a joyful twinkle as he watched her fascination with the flower.  I took a deep breath, closed my eyes, and rested in the stillness of just being.  Get caught up in just being today.    

Afterimage

It was close to dusk as I was riding home after a long day filled with intense emotions surrounding changes at work.  The street was very busy, and the sidewalk ahead was filled with people trying to cross the intersection to catch the oncoming METRORail.  Traffic was moving very slow when out the corner of my eyes I saw him.  He was older, had a beard, but was still wearing his worn out Army fatigues.  His eyes followed mine and he raised his hand and he gave me a worn out smile – and then he was gone.  He hadn’t limped into my life for years, but when he did I knew he was an afterimage burned into my soul in a past life, a reminder to believe in the goodness of life, as he had.  We all have family, friends, and afterimages in our lives that help us look beyond the broken moments, and realize not all life is broken – we just have to believe!  I wiped the tears, as I waited for the Light Rail to pass, feeling the goodness of life return through the blessing of an afterimage.  Be an afterimage of goodness for someone today.  

New Beginnings

Third grade was tough and by the end of the year I still was having trouble talking, holding my pencil correctly, writing & spelling, and just fitting in.  That summer my mom took me to the LSU Speech Lab where they made a recording of me talking.  As I listening to the recording, I was shocked at my baby voice and remember when we got home my mom wrapped her arms around me as we sat in her rocking chair.  Finally, after most of my tears had stopped she softly told me to never be afraid of “new beginnings”, and I would repeat third grade the next school year. 

My mother released me from the fear of new beginning when I was 8, a gift I wouldn’t really understand or appreciate until as a young adult I was challenged with some really tough new beginnings.  The evening cancer took my mom after most my tears had stopped, sitting under my favorite tree by the LSU lakes, I heard her voice softly whisper never to be afraid of new beginning.  She’d taught me to be positive, open to new experiences and relationships, to seek support, be realistic, and to be tenacious.  She’d given me the freedom to fail, stand up, brush myself off, and try again.  What’s your “new beginning” attitude?

Mark Rothko – Pockets of Silence

It was an evening where time seem to stop, as I became lost in deep emotions and feelings as we journeyed through the world of Mark Rothko paintings at The Museum of Fine Arts.  This journey might have been very different, but I’d arrived at its door after several weeks of doing my best to cope with a high-stress environment at work.  It wasn’t the first time where work/life stress had begun to take its toll on my well-being, and I’m sure it will not be my last.  But last night as I was pulled into Rothko’s work and mesmerized by the depth of the experience, I realized after six decades of living, I was better at letting go.  Rothko’s final public statement before his suicide included words that speak about our search for the pockets of silence where we can root and grow.  My heart-led mindful meditation and prayer practices have blessed me with pockets of silence, and I like Rothko have found, “Silence is so accurate”.  What life practices bring you pockets of silence?

Bruce Cryer - Playfulness

MD Anderson is deploying Epic to replace an in-house customized electronic health record we have used for years, and I am the “elbow connection” of wellness leading a program designed to strengthen the resilience of the implementation team.  An integrated team from Employee Health, Employee Assistance Program, and Wellness designed quick, fun, daily events and activities targeted to build and sustain resilience.   Each day we offer either a morning energizer or afternoon activator 12-minutes of movement activities.  Tuesday and Thursday we provide 12-minute interactive classes focused on resilience, and Wednesday is wellness fun day offering activities designed to get employees out of their heads and into their hearts. 

Years ago I met Bruce Cryer of HeartMath when he spoke at the National Wellness Worksite Academy.  His words around resilience were powerful, but what I remember most was his face as he talked about playfulness.  Playfulness inspires the willingness to wonder, it brings flexibility, and the ability to better flow with life, which strengthen our resilience.  Yesterday, during water/coffee, bathroom, and lunch breaks employees played with 1,500 dominoes, building domino chains.  What playful activities do you have planned today to get out of your head and into your heart?

MaryBeth - My Wife - My Resiliency Partner

My favorite resilience quote is from Bern Williams the English philosopher who said, “Man never made any material as resilient as the human spirit.”  Many of you remember three years ago when MaryBeth (my wife) was diagnosed with breast cancer.  Her diagnosis added to our already challenging life, and for the first time since we had been together her life force energy was low.  Her breast cancer struck when she had become really good at her caregiver role in my cancer journey, but now we both had cancer.  MaryBeth’s father is Greek, and once her treatments began to slow down, the tenacity of her Greek and English heritage came out, and she immediately went back to the wellness practices that sustain her life force energy.  MaryBeth is a good example of how resilience is more than just bounce back, it’s the ability to do those wellness and well-being practices that ensure we persevere, stay positive and adapt in challenging times.  What are your resilience practices?

The Rest of the Story

Some days my daily life recollections evoke comments, shared stories or questions.  Yesterday, my romantic Puerto Rico tale brought a swarm of emails asking for the “Rest of the Story”.

Her dad was the head Navy Chaplain in Puerto Rico, so I hitched a ride to the Navy Station and waited with the SPs at the main gate till they felt comfortable in calling the house and reporting my arrival.  It took another hour for a family car to arrive, but after a big hug and introductions to her two younger sisters we started back to the house strategizing the whole way on how to talk her parents into allowing me to be a house guest. 

I remember standing just inside the front door in my unshaven face, long uncombed curly hair, an old army fatigue jacket and beat up boots as her dad’s body language suggested I had made a big mistake.  My first inclination was to salute.   In the end I won her mother over with my southern charm, and spent the week on beautiful beaches, riding the waves and watching the full moon dance across the ocean waves painted across a silver sky - wrapped in love. 

That summer, the people who shared their food and lives with me in the little German community I lived, the orphans I played with and taught to swim, and my Puerto Rico experience all gave me a better understanding of the importance of love.  

Puerto Rico Full Moon

After work last night I rode my scooter to the Bellaire Recreation Center and caught the meditation phase of MaryBeth’s yoga class.  As we walked out I was immediately enthralled by the blush of the rising full moon through clouds painted across the sky like breaking ocean waves, and I was instantly back in Puerto Rico 45+ years ago. 

I’d spent the summer working as a lifeguard at an orphanage in Germany, but my heart was with a friend from LSU who had gone home to Puerto Rico for the summer.  A 19-hour ride on a prop plane took me to New York City, where I found a $50 redeye to Puerto Rico.  Arriving in Puerto Rico at midnight I began to realize my surprise visit might not have been a great idea.  What if she had a boyfriend? What if her parents threw me out?  Rapidly my list of what ifs got longer, till I turned and saw the full moon dancing across the breaking ocean waves and I was once again believing in the goodness of life and love.  Are “what ifs” robbing you of time and life energy?

Change

I woke up at 2 am and thought about change, and how our journeys give us the opportunity to develop the skills and wisdom to accept and grow with change.  Some change, like aging, is slow, giving us time to tinker with life strategies to find out what fits, what works, and what doesn’t work so well.  But it’s the change that happens instantly that is the most challenging and requires us to reach deep within our foundational beliefs and values if we are to persevere. 

The last few weeks, my work life and cancer journey has been filled with change.  My abscessed tooth needs to be pulled, but they can’t pull the tooth unless I take a 3-week vacation/washout from my new chemo.  After hearing my latest challenge a friend ask yesterday, “Will you be okay?”  This morning as I rode my scooter to work, and watched the moon dart between buildings, I smiled as I realized, I’ll be okay for years ago I decided to be a cancer thriver, not just a cancer survivor.  And as a cancer thriver I’ve learned to take life one day at a time.  What will you do to make today special?

Capacity to Care

Weak this weekend from an abscessed tooth I watched the rain as it was whipped around by the wind forming abstract paintings on our lake and mused about my experience Friday night at a “celebration of life” for a fellow cancer thriver who is facing her 6^th bout of cancer in 30 years.  Surrounded by friends, family, and fellow cancer survivors she smiled, gave hugs, and moved like an angel around the room touching all of us with her hope, and love.  Cancer has a way of pulling people together in communities of caring, compassion, and courage.  But the strength of these communities is built from each member’s capacity to care for themselves, for you can’t care for others unless you first care for yourself.  How will you care for yourself this week?

Ice Walkers & New Beginnings

Growing up in Baton Rouge, I can only remember a few winters when it got cold enough for the LSU lakes to freeze over.  What a sight for a young boy that looked for Tom Sawyer life adventures every day with his best friend Gordon.  Awesome sight!  We stood at our favorite raft launching spot looking at the thin sheet of ice that spread across the lakes, “Hey Billy, bet you won’t walk out to the cypress tree”.   Our makeshift flag still hung on its branches that we had left from a triumphal raft sailing the past summer.  For many, taking first steps are always the hardest, but for ice walkers the thrill of the first step is tied to their pursuit to experience the fullness of life.  Ice walkers are never afraid of new beginnings, for they have learned new beginnings are a way we grow into who we are to become.  When was the last time you walked on ice?

Flow – Harnessing Our All

There were a few years when I worked for Tenneco that I would roller skate into work each morning.  It was a 7-8 mile skate and my safest route at 3:30 am was a mix of bayou sidewalks.  Each morning as I approach downtown I would meet up with a large group of cyclists.  One morning I heard from the front, “Sidewalk out ahead”.  That was the last time I skated into work for it took months for my cuts and abrasive injuries to heal.  When inline skates came out I was an earlier adopter, for their single line of wheels had less trouble with road rocks and sticks that are disastrous for a roller skater. 

Why skating?  When I learned to surf in the mid-60s, it was also my introduction into my understanding flow.  You know the feeling, effortless control of our actions while fully immersed in an energized focus of harnessing all of who we are.  The rhythm of skating, like surfing, takes me to a place of almost instant flow.  Last year, after my cancer spread to my hip bones, my oncologists suggested I give up skating.  It took me a while to find another flow activity, but this year I started beading and teaching “hope and healing” bracelet classes at MD Anderson.  Last night as I worked on a bracelet for MaryBeth using very small agate and coral beads, I was once again was riding the waves of flow.  How do you connect to flow?

Forever Gifts

What have my life experiences taught me?  In high school, I quickly learned that I would never be good at basketball, no matter how hard I tried.  My right eye is my sighting eye, and I toss a basketball with my left hand, making accuracy impossible.  So during basketball season I helped sell and collect tickets before the games with a boy who was several classes ahead of me.  Our soldiers were just starting to be killed in Vietnam, but that was so far away, and then one night my basketball ticket partner was killed when his car was hit by a train.  It was my first experience with the death of someone who had been a part of my life, and had touched my life in his special way.  My mother would die in a few years, and I would lose friends in Vietnam, but my basketball ticket partner’s death – taught me death doesn’t take away the special way people touch your life.  These are forever gifts.  What forever gifts will you touch someone with 

Gifts from the Heart

Last night my dreams took me back years to when I was a hospice volunteer and would sit for hours with young men that were dying of HIV/AIDS.  The hardest cases where those who had lost the love and support of their families, and I was their only visitor.  For many, I became the last listener of their stories, moments of joy, sadness, and their struggle to understand why life was ending.  Some evenings after my shift, I’d sit in the waiting room and pretend I was waiting for their families, and only leave when my numbness had quieted.  Other evenings I’d stay and hold their hands and only leave when I felt the rhythm of life return.  Last night my dreams took me back years to when I was a hospice volunteer and I was honored as the last listener of life stories.  Gifts from the heart.  Today be open to receive gifts from the heart.  

Suchness

It was a perfect day for the jazz brunch, a slight breeze blew through the trees, as the music enveloped and soothed our soul, and time was lost in the sweet suchness of each moment.  I sat on a bench in the garden and watched Auggie, our dog, chase butterflies and bee’s as the softness of the music ran its fingers across my soul.  Last night my dreams were filled with soft chords, garden colors, and Auggie’s passionate innocence for life.  Rare moments of experiencing the deep “suchness” of life, heightens my mindfulness.  This morning as I rode my scooter through the medical center, I passed a very young couple coming out of Texas Children’s with a baby blanket tossed across their shoulders, looking very tired and scared.  That moment the innocence of my suchness was touched by the hope I carry like a shield, my belief in the goodness of life, and I rode away in prayer.  May your suchness be deeply touched today.

Lone Warrior - Point Man

Yesterday, MaryBeth and I along with two young cancer survivors talked about our cancer journeys in a Health Psychology class at Rice University.  The first young women had been pregnant with her second child when diagnosed.  Her hospitalization required separation from her baby and for her to miss most of the first year of the baby’s life.  The psychological pain she described was horrific, and she talked about the therapy it took to believe in life again.  The second young lady talked about her rare cancer, remission, and recurrence after six years.  Her story was more about the fight with her parents, and physician to delay treatment so she could freeze her eggs.  A stand she took because she was not willing to give up her dream of becoming a mom one day. 

Their stories reminded me of my cancer journey and how my life experience affected my early years of living with cancer.  Growing up in Louisiana I was very comfortable with the swamps and all its critters, mosquitos, poisonous snakes, spiders, and plants.  During my Ranger training, I gained the nickname Swamp Rabbit, because I was one of the best pointman in my platoon.  Boy Scouts had given me a confidence with a compass and map, I had good outdoor eyes and ears, and a sixth sense about danger.  More importantly, I was confident and comfortable being a “lone warrior”.  My lone warrior skills kept me alive during the real skirmishes I faced on active duty. 

The first five years of my battle with cancer were hard on us as a couple because of my lone warrior approach.  It was hard for me to understand why she was begging me to give up my lone warrior pointman position.  I was leveraging my strengths as a lone warrior and fighting the most important battle of my life.  The same month cancer spread to my lymph nodes, MaryBeth was diagnosed with breast cancer, and I realized it was no longer my battle, but our battle.  We now share the point position, plan our battle tactics together, and fight our cancer battles almost always side-by-side.  I still rely on my warrior skills, but now MaryBeth and I are getting stronger together! 

Walking with Angels

Last week I had been teaching in Mays Clinic and walked to the chapel for a few quiet moments.  As I sat alone a line in the lyrics of Jim White’s Borrowed Wings ran through my thoughts, “You can’t get to heaven on no borrowed wings”.  The greens in the garden started to run together as my eyes teared up, and then a family entered and formed a prayer circle in the back with chairs.  I grabbed some tissue and left. 

Last night as I shared time with a Breast Cancer Support group in Bay Area, Jim White’s line came back as I listened to their stories filled with fear, courage, and hope.  The woman sitting next to me had just finished her chemo, and talked about how walking quiets her mind and helps her go to that place of inside out healing.  Many talked about their daily struggles to find that place of inside out healing through self-time, pray, meditation, reading the Bible, pets, working as volunteers, and caring for others.  “You can’t get to heaven on no borrowed wings”, we all have this journey called life to walk, one step at a time. 

Sutent Mini-Vacation

Yesterday was the end of my second week of taking the oral chemo Sutent.  Because of its toxicity, they ran blood tests to ensure that it had not impacted the function of my liver and kidneys.  My oncologists was pleased for almost all the values were normal and my cancer marker (PSA) was down almost a whole point.  This past year my PSA has been slowly creeping up as the tumors slowly grew in my lymph nodes, hips, and ribs, so yesterday’s finding was cause for a smile.    This week I will continue taking the oral chemo Zytiga with Prednisone, which I’ve been on for almost 6 months, but I get a week off from the Sutent.  The research shows that a 2 week on and 1 week off Sutent schedule improve tolerability, efficacy, and health-related quality of life.  So if you see me this week and I appear a little less energetic, I’m just enjoying my Sutent mini-vacation and resting.  Even an energy bunny like me needs rest every once in a while – smile.

Lava Flow Sunset

They had given us a corner suite last week in Chicago, and the sunsets from the room were magnificent.  We stood in awe the first evening and watched to lava sky unfold, and each day after, rushed back to our room mindful of the unexpected gift we had received.  Of late, I’ve been thinking more about the unexpected gifts I’ve received in my life journey, and their effect on who I have become.  Love and friendships have nurtured my understanding of heart-led living and increased the sacred joy I experience through relationships.  Strengthened by my daily practice of loving-kindness meditation and gratitude, I experience more lava flow sunsets, even on cloudy days.  Do you need to add more lava flow sunsets to your life?

Prayers on the Wings of a Butterfly

Sunday, MaryBeth, Auggie, and I headed to the McGovern Centennial Gardens and after a few short stops ended up on a log bench in the beautiful Family Gardens.  Surrounded by the rich smell of herbs, and flowers of all colors I was transfixed by two Monarch butterflies playing chase.  Every autumn, the monarch butterflies east of the Rockies migrate from as far north as Canada to Mexico. Memory is not their guide — no one butterfly makes the round trip — but each year they somehow find their way.  The sun felt good, as I thought, like the Monarch butterfly, somehow I’d found my way through the last couple of months of hardships at work, and with my spreading cancer.  My internal smile grew as I thought about how my prayers are like the wings of the Monarch butterfly, somehow releasing me each day from life pain, and allowing me to be.  May your prayers be on the wings of a butterfly…

Giant X Vapor Trails

Giant “X” Vapor Trails

The HERO Forum15 was one of those awesome moments in life when as Thornton Wilder suggested in his play Our Town, “you realize life as you are living it.”  There were many individuals that had been a part of my 35 year worksite wellness journey at the HEROForum15, many who I had not seen for years, and many I will probably never see again.  We all had aged, but as we bonded again, I realized their eyes and voices still held the same passion that spoke to me so many years ago.  Yesterday, MaryBeth and I did several long walks, and on one I watched two jets cross paths leaving a giant “x” vapor trail in the sky.  It reminded me of how my life has been blessed with so many individuals that have shared a part of their life with me and the giant “x” vapor trails we’ve left behind. 

Below is my acceptance speech for the Bill Whitmer Leadership Award I gave last Tuesday, September 29^th.  I had been asked to talk about my entry into the field and my leadership journey.  What struck me as I reread the speech this weekend was how many giant “x” vapor trails I’ve made with others along the way.  What giant “x” vapor trail have you made with someone else lately?

Thanks Susan Bailey for recommending me for this award, and being more than a good friend, more like a daughter.

When I was 5, my mom was diagnosed with cancer and she died when I started college, the same year my dad declared bankruptcy.  Army ROTC was one of the ways I worked my way through undergraduate school, serving in the Army as an Airborne Ranger.  I came back from war, like many, looking for redemption, and immediately went to work for a big church.  Six months into the job I broke my back in a car accident when a car hit me at a red light.  After a spinal fusion of four of my lumbar vertebra, I spent six months in the hospital and six months in a full body cast, before I learned how to walk again.  Somewhere around my 3^rd or 4^th month in the hospital I watched a young man come into the room across the hall with multiple injuries from a motor cycle accident.  I could only see the lower half of his body, and after several weeks, they took one leg and then the other.  The day he had no legs I promised myself if I ever walked again I would find a profession where I could help people that weren’t as lucky as me.  This experience over 40 years ago is what drives my passion for wellness. 

My dad died of cancer almost 25 years ago, and he never really understood what I did for a living or the concept of worksite wellness, he wanted me to be a psychologist like the rest of the family.  But my parents gave me values that have guided my life and work. The values of purpose, passion, perseverance, engagement, faith, and caring.   Receiving this award tonight, honors my parent’s faith in life, its wholeness, and its goodness. 

One of my favorite Baun-isms is “we don’t do life alone”, and there are many who have been the winds under my sail.  Bob Patton and Peter Raven guided my graduate programs, fueled my scientific curiosity and gave me a passion for excellence.  Ed Bernacki at Tenneco and Georgia Thomas at MD Anderson supervised and collaborated with me for a combined 26 years allowing me to grow, and for me to grow those I managed.  There are many individuals that pushed, prodded, and collaborated with me on research, writing, and projects that have spanned for decades and significantly changed our field.  My superhero’s: Michael O’Donnell, Nell Gottlieb, David Hunnicutt, Len Berry, Ron Goetzel, Nico Pronk, Sheela Sharma, and George Pfeiffer.  And of course, my biggest supporter is my wife, MaryBeth.  What an awesome journey – thank you all so very much!

Bill Whitmer Leadership Award

Tuesday, Sept 29^th the Health Enhancement Research Organization will honor me with the Bill Whitmer Leadership Award for my 35 years of teaching, writing, growing wellness programs, and serving in leadership positions in organizations that have moved the employee health management field forward.  What will I say when presented the award? 

My mother died before I finished college, and my dad died almost 25 years ago, and he never really understood worksite wellness, but they both gave me four values that have guided my life and worksite wellness practice. These values are purpose, passion, perseverance, and engagement.  Receiving this award honors my parent’s faith in life, its wholeness, goodness, and belief in me as I struggled through my early school years with undiagnosed dyslexia. 

One of my favorite Baun-isms is “we don’t do life alone”, and there are many who have been my wind.  Bob Patton and Peter Raven guided my graduate programs, fueled my scientific curiosity and gave me a passion for excellence.  Ed Bernacki at Tenneco and Georgia Thomas at MD Anderson supervised and collaborated with me for a combined 27 years allowing me to grow, and for me to grow those I managed.  There are many individuals that pushed, prodded, and partnered with me on research, writing, and projects that spanned decades and significantly changed the field.  My superhero’s are Michael O’Donnell, Nell Gottlieb, David Hunnicutt, Len Berry, Ron Goetzel, Sheela Sharma, and George Pfeiffer.  And of course, my biggest supporter is my wife, MaryBeth.  What an awesome journey – thank you all so much!

Sunitinib (Sutent) Oral Chemo

Yesterday, I started Sunitinib (Sutent) a targeted oral chemo that interferes with the ability of cancer tumors to make the blood vessels it needs to spread or grow.  My clinical study is looking at the mix of several different targeted oral chemotherapy’s to better understand their efficacy.  I decided to take the new pills after breakfast, so if there were any major side effects I’d have a better feel for them by the end of the day. 

MaryBeth had an evening commitment, so I brought supper back to the office and worked till about 8 pm.  It wasn’t till I was riding home and had stopped to check on one of our neighborhood homeless persons that I thought about the new chemo.  As I sat on the corner and talked with Ralph, I experienced one of those “soulful moments”.  We talked about where he planned to sleep, and about the food he had saved up for tomorrow.   We talked about his diabetes, and he always asks me if I have diabetes, and I always tell him about my cancer.  I told him about starting a new chemo, and for a few minutes he didn’t talk, then he told me he’d pray for me.  I sat with him just a little longer - two men sitting on a street corner concerned about each other.  

River Rock Exercise

Yesterday, I taught walking meditation.  Our meeting place is an open space created by the merging of four hallways.  Walking meditation is one of my favorite classes to teach and I had placed my river rocks on a small round table to use in an exercise at the beginning of the class that immediately pulls participants out of their heads and into their hearts.  As I waited, a few employees walking by asked about the rocks, and I’d invite them to the class, but most were on their way to meetings.  A few stopped long enough to go through the river rock exercise that starts with the question, “What rock speaks to you?” 

A busy friend picked a rock, and I asked “Why that rock?” and she replied, “I guess I was drawn to its shape, color, and the way the markings circle the rock.”  My next question was “What does this rock say about the way you need to approach life today?” she pondered for a minute, and then smiled as she enclosed her fingers around the rock and said “go with the flow”.  She walked away with a different bounce in her step and a smile.  How do you need to approach life today?  Pick a rock…….