Chemo Courage and Determination

Maybe it’s the memories of my mother resting her arm on mine as we walked through our backyard garden to enjoy the colors and smells from the camellia, and gardenia bushes fighting to live each day to its fullest as her cancer slowly spread.  Then again, maybe it was my dad’s determination to stay awake in the golf cart we had strapped him and his oxygen bottle into as his prostate cancer took his energy, but not his courage to be with family, giving all of us golf tips as we played on his home course. 

Two Friday’s ago, I was all prepped for chemo and just needed my oncologist approval.  As he entered the treatment room he said, “You look good”, and I felt a pride inside as I thought I was finally getting down the three-week chemo leash.  He looked, listened, and prodded those parts of my body that might be showing signs of chemo distress, and then we moved to my blood work.  I am always concerned about my kidney and liver functions, but those numbers looked good, and then we moved to blood cells and he stopped and shook his head and said, “Your blood is too weak, you can’t have chemo today!”  I was stunned, and asked him “What can I do?”  His answer was rest. 

MaryBeth and I took off the next day for Vermont and cooler weather where we stayed with our good friend Judd Allen, who pampered us with lots of TLC.  For seven days, I didn’t work, open any emails, or write.  Each morning I spent time meditating in a backyard that felt more like a forest, with flowers, and a short walking path to Lake Champlain.  In the afternoons, I napped and at the end of each day, we’d picked a different place around Burlington to watch the sunset.  On Top of Mt. Philo State Park one afternoon looking out at the slowly fading scenic Adirondack and Green Mountain Peaks, an old bare fir tree took center stage.  Feeling the bare trees courage and determination to stand strong as her life force was ending; I felt tears as I drifted back to memory moments with my mom and dad as they passed to me the gift of mindful whole person living and resilience.  What life gifts are you passing on?