Wellness Alchemist

Lately, my work at MD Anderson with patients, caregivers, and employees has focused on mindfulness and breathing.  This week as I worked with groups and individuals I realized many of them find the fast pace of life positively exhilarating, but also recognize they are losing pieces of themselves as they bend time just to keep up.  Many have given up or forgotten the transformational power of silent self-time where exploring their inner space leads to awareness, deep understanding, change, and growth.  Yesterday, as I addressed the staff of Internal Medicine, I felt like an alchemist creating new life view possibilities through the breathing techniques I was teaching. 

You are probably wondering if this work has any real impact.  Monday, a young woman standing in the elevator with me said, “Bill, I did what you suggested with my child and husband at our evening prayer time, and started out with the breathing exercises you taught our department, and it deepened our prayer experience together”.  Wednesday, as I waited for my breathing circle to start a faculty member who had been touched by my labyrinth work, sat down next to me.  She handed me a beautiful book on labyrinths as a gift and told me, “Bill you have put me back in touch with my spirituality, thank you”.  Be an alchemist today and reach out and touch someone and change their world!     

Heart Whispers

She was a little older and sat across from me in the waiting room.  When the triage nurse taking vitals called her husband’s name, she had gotten up, but he motioned her to sit down and wait.  He unsteadily rose, holding onto his walker and with the help of the nurse disappeared through one of the hallways.  She watched every step he took, and when he disappeared, I watched her lips move as her “mind whispers” grew louder.  Each time the door opened, she’d rise and then sit back down when it was not her husband.  You could feel her impatience, her fear; it was getting easier to read the mind whispers on her lips. 

My last chemo regimen (Sutent) was hard on me physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  The weaker my body grew the harder it was for me to hold it together. Some nights it felt like a riptide was dragging me across the bottom where I was losing large pieces of me.  One night as I began my riptide nightmare, I heard a faint whisper, a “heart whisper” that had an immediate calming effect and allowed me to step off the treadmill my mind had created.  Shifting your focus from mind whisper to heart whispers is a reboot that gets you back to believing in life!  Hear it, feel it, believe it!

Firefights of Life

A dark sky and the sound of heavy rain drew me to the window right outside my office door, and as I stood, and watched the storm swirl I was instantly back to the early 70s and Ranger School as we walked out of the Florida swamps with Hurricane Agnes pounding on our heels.  This memory moment was not about bad storms, but the firefights we live through and how life trauma becomes a piece of who we become.  We were soaked, dirty, tired, but walking proud, for we had just finished our last phase of Ranger training, but this memory moment was also not about pride, but the huge loss I felt as I watched Vietnam kill off friends.  Psychologists tell us that our past personal memories are guided by our current concerns, goals, and self-concept.  Don’t get me wrong when I say this, but I am learning how to live as I prepare to die.  Those of you who know me well, know that my life is about living as fully as I can “today”, and probably understand how my journey and resilience has been strengthened by the huge heart loss I felt as friends died in Vietnam.  What firefights or trauma have you lived through strengthening your journey, resilience and who you have become?

Being and Healing with Nature

Last Monday started my chemo clock.  Day of chemo all the steroids I received are very energizing, but they also robbed me of a good night’s sleep.  Day-2 I was feeling good, but toward the end of day-3, I was getting tired.  A half-day meeting kept me at work on day-4 (Thursday), but when I finally got home in the early afternoon I immediately had to go to bed.  I had decided to take a PTO day on Friday and MaryBeth and I had decided to drive up to the lake house early, but exhaustion kept me in bed until late morning.  Finally, in the early afternoon, I begrudgingly agreed to head to the lake house for we had friends coming up for the weekend. 

Saturday, after sunrise, I lay in our bed and watched the fog dance through the trees.  A little before 7 a.m., I dressed and walked out to our pier.  I could feel the fog as it encircled my legs, and with each breath, I was drawn deeper into just being in the beauty and natural surroundings.  Research shows the natural environment promotes positive emotions, reduces stress hormones, and boosts our immune system.  Selhub in her book, Your Brain on Nature, outlines emerging nature-based therapies and practical nature-based strategies to enhance life.  My nature-based weekend worked, and yesterday and today I feeling so much stronger.  How do you engage yourself in nature every day?  During my work days, I take a few minutes each day to walk the rose gardens at Clark Clinic, or maybe the labyrinth under the four live oaks at the School of Public Health, or the water garden between the Rotary House and Faculty Center.  Each day be responsible and spend just a few minutes of being and healing with nature as your medicine.  What will you do with nature as your healing partner tomorrow?

Mother's Day Tears from Heaven

My mother knew.  She had heard it in the short talks I practiced with her for civics and speech classes in high school.  She read it in my poorly constructed papers, and poorly written sentences in high school English.  She also read it in the poetry I wrote and sent her in the letters from summer church and Boy Scout camps I worked in Louisiana, Texas, and New Hampshire.  She highlighted the lines of poetry, wrote me encouraging words, bundled these letters, tied them with string and saved them for me as a gift after her passing.  My mom dreamed of me being a preacher.  I never doubted after her passing she watched me as I worked intently for years to put my lessons together for the adult Sunday school classes I taught. 

My dad was too tired when home so we had a hard time connecting for years.  Years after my mom passed, I had an opportunity to speak at a meeting in Baton Rouge about wellness and my dad attended the meeting, it was the first time he had heard me speak.  I remember walking out with him as he tightly gripped my hand, and before he got into his car, he held me tightly and wept.  He knew. 

Most days as I put the final sentences of my blog together I feel tears from heaven streaming down my face as I  realize I am trying to describe life lessons my mom and dad tried so hard to give me before they passed.  But now, I feel tears of joy knowing both, in their own way knew someday I’d not only learn these life lessons but pass them onto others.  When was the last time you experienced tears from heaven from mentors, friends, and family?  Life lessons you have learned and are ready to pass on to others.  Thanks, mom!

Pinched Moments

Tuesday of last week, I met with my oncologist and we decided since my white blood cell count was still low we’d hold off my second round of chemo till today.  Today, my second round was scheduled for 7am so I arrived about 10 minutes early to get an angiocatheter placed in a vein for the 90 minutes of treatment.  By 8am, I realized individuals that had come in after me, were being called in before me, and all the anxiety I held off came roaring back in.  Would this be a half day instead of 90 minutes?  Had they lost the order, or mixed me up with someone else?  We all know the feeling, a “pinched moment” when we lose the power of patience and presence that positively energizes our lives. 

Within a few minutes of reporting my concern to the front desk, a nurse took me to an infusion treatment room, started my prep and the pinched moment disappeared.  As the chemo dripped into my veins I slept and dreamed of another pinched moment I had experienced Saturday at the 5K Sprint for Life run walk.  For many years, I have been the MC at the starting and finishing lines, a role I truly enjoy.  Standing on the stage was an awesome sight, looking down at the thousands of runners and walkers who had come to support and honor women and families with ovarian cancer - I could feel warmth in my heart spread throughout my body. 

I remember calling for the Boy Scouts to Present the Colors.  Then Michelle Reed did a beautiful rendition of the National Anthem, and as she sang, “and the rockets’ red glare, the bombs bursting in air, gave proof through the night that our flag was still there”, I could feel the tears streaming down my face as a pinched moment came on.  My experience has been, not all pinched moments are bad, these are moments we live or relive that become pieces of who we are and who we are becoming.  As a soldier in combat, these words held such deep meaning, about all those that had fought and died for me and my freedom, just like the thousands that had lined up to support and honor the individuals and families facing ovarian cancer.  After my chemo, I made a short stop in the Mays Prayer Room, looked out at the garden and gave thanks for pinched moments.  Next time you face a pinched moment feel it in pride, and take a few deep breaths, to bring back the patience and presence that energize our lives.

  

Bravely Believe Bravely Live

My favorite place to teach at MD Anderson is in the simple wood Gazebo on the third floor of Clark Clinic.  It holds about eight chairs inside the Gazebo, and maybe another ten on the outside.  What makes it special is that the minute you step inside it feels like a sanctuary.  Yesterday, I held a morning and afternoon breathing circles in the Gazebo focused on helping patients, caregivers, and employees discover the therapeutic and emotional power of their breath.  After my morning session, I walked around and spent time promoting the afternoon session to departments that were within a short walk.  When I returned to pick up the centerpiece, I had created with a blue Chinese bowl and yellow flowers I found a husband and wife sitting and staring at the centerpiece. 

The husband looked up, “Was this my bowl and flowers?” I told him it was and described how I used it in my breathing circle exercises.  He asks, “Would I lead them through some exercises?”, and after a few minutes of conscious controlled and diaphragmatic breathing, I paused to see how they were doing.  The women said she felt better then ask me if I was a believer, I told her I was and she then told me she was a pancreatic cancer patient and she and her husband had just decided to stop her chemo and decline radiation or any other treatment.  “Her life was now in the Lord’s hands.”  My cancer journey has taught me that we need to believe in our cancer care team, but my importantly we need to believe bravely in our life choices, and bravely live with the potential consequences.  As she talked, I realized we were all looking down at the yellow flowers, flowers bursting with her joy and the reverence of the moment.  Bravely believe – bravely live!