Bad News and Hope

        

The results of last week’s blood test came in late Friday, MaryBeth and I were tired so I waited until Saturday morning to tell her the good news that my cancer markers were down and it looked like the new chemo was working.  We were both thrilled since the last few months my markers had quadrupled.  Tuesday morning started with an early blood test and an appointment 2 hours later to meet with my cancer care team and oncologist. 

My cancer care nurse and I talked about my fatigue, pain, any new symptoms, and then she and I looked at the blood test results.  Everything looked better except my cancer marker (PSA) it had gone from a 31 to a 74 in just a few days.  I remember saying, “How could that be, last week they were down 10 points?” and she replied, “It makes no sense, maybe it’s a false positive, when your oncologist comes in, he’ll explain it to you.”  She left and I closed my eyes, could feel my heart beating in my throat, so I did a few deep breathes.  A few minutes later I heard my oncologist knock on the door, he entered with his smile, and the confident eyes and solid handshake I look forward to seeing and feeling at each visit.  He sat down and for a moment didn’t say anything, just stared at the graph showing my increased PSA, and then he looked at me and said, “It makes no sense, do we repeat your blood test, or do body and bone scans?”.  We talked about any new pain, and I told him I was having some upper chest pain that was new, so he immediately ordered a chest x-ray, maybe it had moved into my lungs.  He told me he wanted to wait for one more blood test result, and after the x-ray was read, he’d call me and we’d make a plan. 

We shook hands and I so needed to feel his eyes, and then I realized I had 20 minutes to get to a mindfulness class I was teaching in another building.  After exiting the elevator, I realized I had held my breath the whole ride down, so instead of heading to my scooter I took a few steps and stood in front of the massive Tree of Life sculpture with its whimsical shapes and colors.  A few minutes of mindful meditation and prayer got me out of my head and into my heart, reenergizing my hope.  Several hours later as I took a deep breath, I realized I had touched almost 100 employees with my stories and mindfulness techniques.  As MaryBeth and I lay in bed last night, I took her hand and placed it on my heart, and again I practiced a few minutes of mindful meditation and prayer that sent me to sleep with hope.  This morning, the first song I heard on my Pandora station was Allison Krauss’s When You Say Nothing at All.  The words, “It's amazing how you can speak right to my heart / Without saying a word you can light up the dark / Try as I may I could never explain / What I hear when you don't say a thing”, but it lights up my resilience spirit and hope.  What are your daily practices to manage your resilience spirit and hope?