There are times in our lives we have to learn how to “get out
of our own way” to be creative, happy or to heal. This is my story. It starts on a Thursday evening April 14th
as a nurse made me comfortable in an infusion bed and I watched her triple
check the chemo I would be given. She
hung several bags from the IV pole, explained one was steroids that would make
me feel good that night and the next day, and the other was the docetaxel chemo
that would start to drain my energy in a few days. As I lay in bed feeling the warmth of the
infusion flow, I thought if I could organize a project on Friday for the
weekend, I would be too busy to be tired.
Leaving the hospital after the infusion I was in a good mood, I had a
plan to get me through the weekend, and the next week would be a cinch for I had
my teaching, a keynote, an adrenal biopsy, and Friday I would leave for Orlando
and the Arts and Science of HP conference.
The past 20+ years I had directed the conference, and was feeling this
would be my last, so I had many goodbyes to many good friends.
Friday, April 15th, I felt great, rested some, but
spent most of the day organizing the tools, plants, and mulch I would need to
redo our side garden. Saturday, I was up
early with no time for the fatigue I was beginning to feel. By late afternoon, I had pulled a ton of weeds,
cut bushes, and planted 14, day lilies.
When I finally stopped work, I was exhausted, MaryBeth made me eat
supper, but I went right to bed. Sleep
was impossible for my muscle spasms kept up most the night. Sunday, I slept most of the day, and finally
in the afternoon called my oncologists about the muscle spasms. He told me it was not the chemo, but my muscle
overuse.
Monday, was a flood day, so we all left in the early
afternoon and I went home and slept.
Tuesday, I had a webinar to teach, and a luncheon, again I left in the
early afternoon feeling weak, went home, and slept. Wednesday, all the chairs were full at both
my breathing circles, and I felt good about my part on an integrative health panel
on mindfulness, but by the end of the day, my muscles spasms were back. That evening, MaryBeth took me to a massage
therapist, and walking out I told her, “I’m not sure I can hold me together”. We got home and my temperature was over 101,
after talking to an oncologist she ran to the pharmacy, my fever broke about
3am. Thursday, I got to work late, about
6:30am and did final preparations for my keynote downtown at 10am. After the keynote, there were many questions,
and I felt good about the talk and my performance but had to rush back to MD
Anderson for a noon check-in for a biopsy on my adrenal. At 6pm as MaryBeth drove me home, I told her
to cancel my morning flight to Orlando Friday morning for I was too weak, I
would fly out later Friday.
Friday morning, about 10am, after working for five hours, I
was ready to call the airlines and rebook my flight to Orlando. I was tired, but had a plan, be in Orlando in
the afternoon, get a good night sleep and be ready to work the next seven days
as the conference director, as I had done the last 20+ years. Earlier that morning a wellness team member
that I had hired 10 years ago, said to me, “Bill, you are too weak, you should
skip the conference this year.” I
remember saying to her, “Corinna, when you are my age, you’ll understand why I
need to go and say goodbye to friends I’ve had for 30 years”. United
wanted another $400+ for the ticket and $200 for the change fee. I actually called United twice hoping to get
a more sympathetic agent, but after speaking to another agent, I sat with tears
streaming down my face. The whole universe
was telling me I was too weak, for weeks everyone had been telling me to rest,
but Bill kept getting in my way. I dried
my eyes, and went and told Corinna I was not going, thanked her for her
concern, and told her “I would save my goodbyes for another year; I needed to
rest and heal”. When was the last time
you needed to get out of your own way to be creative, happy, or to heal?
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