Jan Stewart Memorial Wellness Lecture - 2015

My resilience keynote to the Nurse Anesthesia Annual Conference on Sunday started with a story.  I sat next to a soldier on my flight to Salt Lake City, who after takeoff pulled out his phone and started watching a home video.  It included scenes of saying good-bye to his family, arriving in a war-torn land, settling into the barracks, and then short segments of missions. 

The mission segments included travel along dusty roads, setting up his sniper rifle, and a jumbled mission where things go bad.  For two hours, he played the video repeatedly, always shutting the phone when he got to the jumbled mission.  Finally, he put his phone away and just cried.    

I felt his pain and told my audience of nurse anesthetist they knew his pain, for as pilots of the OR, they also face unavoidable stress, and are forced to make instant decision that affect the lives of others.  Many of us face unavoidable stress and challenging journeys, but they are our journeys and our futures to energize.  Daily resilient practices serve as the fuel for our life energy.  

Birch Swinger

Our outdoor cat Sun Dance followed me out to my truck this morning, talking the whole way.  Yesterday I told him I had a short trip to Salt Lake City this weekend where I’d be teaching nurse anesthetists about Empowering Calm.  As he walked by my side, he kept telling me how much he wanted to go, just to get away for a little while.  One of my favorite Robert Frost’s poems is “Birches” which imagines a young boy riding his father’s trees over and over, with a swish and then kicking all the way back to the ground.  A shift occurs in the poem when the speaker expresses a yearning to leave the confusion of life for just a little while, and then return like a birch swinger.  Most days I am a good birch swinger and get away for just a little while through still moments - how about you?

Mindfulness and Love

My oncologist was running a little behind, so I rested my head on the back of the waiting room chair to relax, and immediately went to sleep.  My dreams took me to a Sunday many years ago, I had promised to be home for lunch, and was running a little late.  As I climbed out of my jeep, I saw her sitting at the bay window, waiting.  I went through the front door and knelt by her chair, “sorry mom”, she smiled and kissed my forehead and said, “Billy, I’m not going to get better, but I will always be here for you”.  We cried. 

I felt her soft touch, and woke to find my nurse coaxing me awake.  The lab results showed my cancer markers were slightly up, even though my bone and body scans really had not changed.  Without positive progress, my clinical trial requires I start drugs that are more toxic.  The research nurse and I had a good laugh for one potential side effect is my skin and hair will get a little yellowish, I told her I was going back to being a surfer boy.  Walking out, I remembered my mom’s words so many years ago and thought, I might not be getting any better, but I am still here and her love surrounds me.  Be mindful of the love that surrounds you today.       

Finished My Radiation – YES!

My favorite time of the day is when I first wake, and for just a few moments, I am straddling between the conscious and unconscious mind.  These are soft moments when memories mix, my passion for life is once again ignited, and my body is washed in warmth I don’t feel at any other time of the day.  Yesterday, I woke to memories of ringing the bell that hangs in the radiation oncology hallway.  In 1996, Rear Admiral Irve Le Moyne, a patient installed a brass bell for all patients to ring in celebration of finishing their radiation.  In my half-conscious dreams yesterday, I felt the ring and all its goodness before I heard it.  You see, our hearts possess a small brain that can sense, feel, learn and remember.  The hearts caring, compassion, and appreciation influences our brains and we feel good.  Today, listen to the whispers of your heart as you strive for heart-led living!

Rangers Lead the Way

I read with pride the stories about the first females to receive the Army Ranger tab, and memories swirled about receiving the tap over 40 years ago.    My Ranger class started with over 400 and less than 50% received the tab.  Many washed out the first few weeks unable to keep up physically.  By the second phase, the food and sleep deprivation started to take its toil through accidents and injuries.  The last phase was Florida, and I watched many cry as they were forced to quit due to foot rot, life threatening poison ivy, and snakebites. 

This morning I pulled out my original Ranger tab, still on the safety pin that had attached it to my uniform.  Earning the tab didn’t change who I was inside, but it clearly define my core strengths of perseverance, persistence, determination, confidence, and optimism.  Today, I will ring the bell in the radiation oncology hallway signifying completion of my 2^nd round of radiation, ending another trial in my cancer journey.  At the end of September, the Health Enhancement Research Organization will honor me with the Bill Whitmer Leadership Award for my years of teaching, speaking and publishing what I have learned along my 35 years in wellness.  As I look back, I realize how the Ranger tab has defined my approach to life and given me an awesome journey.  Thank you U.S. Army - “Rangers Lead the Way”!

HERO Leadership Award

One More Day

Sunday I woke early, sat on the glider, and waited for sunrise and the start of a new day.  Dark land mingled at the water’s edge, as trees of multiple shades of gray brushed against the sky.  Slowly the soft pink horizon spread across the glass like surface of the sleeping lake, and I became lost in the still moment.  The stillness was broken as I felt a fished jump and pink ripples move across the water like a smile.  Mornings have always been special, but my cancer journey has increased their specialness, as I feel graced with getting to share another day.  Today I woke and felt the same soft pink ripples as a smile slowly moved across my face – I have one more day of radiation.  Feel the soft pink ripples as we smile together all day. 

Night Jumps & Cancer Journeys

You can’t be afraid of what you can’t see – right?   The only noise is the steady hum of the helicopter, and jumping from a helicopter is so easy.  All you do is walk off the end, count to five and pray that you feel the pull of the static line.  One-step and you are nobody falling into nothing, and when you hit the ground, you wonder if you ever will have time to pray in this war……. 

Some days my cancer journey feels like my night jumps into the unknown, but then no one is shooting at me, and I realize I can do this and I can do it well, I have before, and I will again.  My resilience gets to the core of who I am.  You know the feeling – “be” that feeling today!

Capture Life’s Impermanence

Last night, MaryBeth and I attended our monthly meeting as members of the Patient and Family Advisory Council at MD Anderson.  “The council is dedicated to strengthening the voices of patients and families at MD Anderson in order to enhance patient safety, satisfaction and quality of care.”  We are relatively new to the council, so I am just starting to attach names to faces, family stories, and cancer journeys. 

Toward the end of the meeting, I was tired and for just a few minutes drifted worlds away to an etched sunset alive with emotion, slowly diminishing as it moved toward shore.  Lately, I’ve been experiencing the impermanence of my life in the many wonders wrapped within me and those special moments throughout my life, and it feels good.  Today, take time to capture the impermanence of life in special moments.       

Radiation Fatigue & Mindfulness

It had been a really long day.  The plan had been to take an afternoon flight that would get me into Atlanta mid-afternoon, but the flight had been delayed.  The train into the city was also running late, and my name wasn’t on the hotel reservation, so when I finally reached my room I was bushed. I sat on the edge of the bed too tired to eat, and as I turned was instantly drawn to the window and watched the sunset spread across the sky and deep inside of me. 

The only side effect of my radiation treatments the past two weeks has been fatigue, which has slowed down the “do” part of me.  Slowing down has strengthened my mindfulness practice and restored the gentle love affair I share with present moments.  Have a love affair with present moments today.    

Life Courage and Passion

Sitting alone at a cafeteria table, he had motioned me to sit down; Houston was his home, and he was fighting a recurrent bladder cancer.  Just a few years older than me, he also really enjoyed his grandkids and as he talked about them, his whole body smiled.  Like me, his day had been full of mixed test results, and he was concerned his cancer might have spread to somewhere else in his body.  After lunch, he would meet with another oncologist and was thinking about asking about immunotherapy.  What struck me as we talked was his courage, something you don’t always see in cancer survivors.  I meet many survivors who somewhere along the way have given up living and now, just survive.  Don’t get me wrong Cancer Sucks, but it’s our courage and passion for life that transforms us into thrivers, and we flourish.  Reclaim your life courage and passion today and thrive!  

Life Kind of Just Happens

The day I graduated from college, was my birthday, and the same day I received my commission as a Second Lieutenant in the U.S. Army.  I ranked #3 in my ROTC class, so I had the third pick for Army branch.  The #1 cadet picked Military Intelligence, and #2 picked Signal Corps, leaving one Military Police position as the only noncombat branch left, so I took it.  I left Baton Rouge for Fort Gordon located in Augusta Georgia for officer basic training.  Augusta was the home of the Masters Golf Tournament, and as a soldier, you could wear your Class A uniform and get in free, which I did. 

After Fort Gordon, I headed to Fort Benning and earned my Ranger Tab and Parachute Wings.  Looking back it’s amazing to see how much of my life has just kind of happened.  Years ago as I worked on my doctorate at the Fielding Institute, a good friend and fellow student, Cherie Carter-Scott, who is now a #1 New York Times bestselling author, gave me one of her favorite quotes as a framed print, “Love yourself, trust your choices, and everything is possible.”  As I said, life just kind of happens when you believe!  

Tiny Resiliency Waves

The past few years I’ve been reading, writing, and teaching about heart led whole person living.  Leading from the heart, first takes connecting with ourselves, and a willingness to love, be loved, and heal the fear and anger wounds many of us carry.  Heart led connections feed the “be” inside of each of us as we dance with our life energy and reach out to connect and share this energy with others.  It is through the sharing of our life energy that whole person living is energized and becomes a path to lives of happiness, joy, engagement, meaning, and faith.  Sounds easy, but you and I know it’s not.  Daily striving for whole person living requires tiny waves of resiliency to ripple through and ignite our life energy and passion.  Start making tiny resiliency waves today and sustain heart led whole person living. 

Small Books Big Lessons

I have several places I keep my “small books”; you know the little books about life.  On my desk within hand reach, there are books of daily prayers and meditations, life instruction books, and my Mark Nepo collection.  This shelf also holds my collection of Mitch Albom books.  My Tuesday with Morrie book was a gift one night in a hospital room where I was doing volunteer hospice work and reading to a very weak patient, “You take it Bill, I think I’m almost done here”.  That night I finished the book, writing notes on the pages as I do in books that have real meaning for my life.  Most mornings I read and find just what I need, like today.  Morrie tells Mitch, “I know you think this is about dying, but it’s like I keep telling you.  When you learn to die, you learn to live.”  Be open to life lessons today.  

Connecting+Caring=Healing

Find courage through others and learn how shared kindness and compassion strengthens.  As we stood in line together at radiation oncology, I learned they were driving 8 hours every Monday for her early appointments, and on Fridays drove back to share a weekend with their kids.  Her cancer recurrence was a huge shock.  Sitting in her wheelchair, she told me driving 16 hours every week and seeing their kids only on the weekends was a low cost to pay for the hope of more days with family.  We swapped stories about our families, then she left for her treatment, and after my treatment, I looked in all the waiting rooms, but they were gone.  Walking back to work, I realized the healing gift she’d given me, by simply connecting and caring.  Connect and care today, and heal!

Uncle Keith (1919-2015)

 Last week my Uncle Keith passed.  My mother was the oldest in a family of three, and Keith was the middle child.  When my dad was fighting in Korea, we lived in a small apartment above the deli across the street from the furniture store Uncle Keith owned in Falls Creek PA, my POB.  Those early years of my life, Uncle Keith was my surrogate father, and that bond gave me pieces of who I am, I have treasured all my life.  When my dad returned from war, he moved us to the South telling everyone “I’ll never shovel snow again”, and for the rest of my life Uncle Keith and I shared only random moments during trips back to Falls Creek.

I loved riding up the hill on Uncle Keith’s tractor to pick apples, or hunting night crawlers with him just as the sun was coming up.  Last week I felt him let go of my hand as we walked by the railroad tracks, and heard his voice, “Billy, hear the train whistle?”, as he handed me a penny to place on the tracks.  I’ll miss you Uncle Keith, but you have left me more than just memories, you are a part of me, and I am a part of you passing life moments on forever… 

Radiation - Day One

It not one of those places you really want to revisit, so yesterday when I entered the back hallways of Radiation Oncology it felt just a little weird.  Almost exactly 8 years ago, (8/15/2007) I first sat in the same chairs and did the same wait. A lot had changed, but I found a real comfort in what had stayed the same.  The lead therapist introduced me to his team, and they showed me the control room and we laughed about the stuffed animals giving warmth to a room covered by computers and monitors.  The bell still hung in the hallway I will ring on August 25, once I have completed my 15 sessions. 

As we stepped into the treatment room, I saw the machine that will be my cancer-fighting warrior.  The next 30-minutes went quickly, “what music would you like to listen to, do you need a warm blanket?” and then I was dreaming.  Saturated with images of her smile, I lost myself in her warmth, courage, and vastness of her love.  “We” have only 14 more days of radiation!

Life as a Storm Surfer

The Emerald Coast stretches about 100 miles along the Gulf of Mexico and the state of Florida, and its name reflects the emerald-green waves rolling across white sandy beaches.  Almost 50 years ago in Destin, or was it Panama City, I was the lone surfer on a borrowed surfboard waiting in stormsurf of 5-10ft. waves for that perfect ride.  Several years before I had learned to surf when I worked on the waterfront at Camp Rio Vista in Kerrville, Texas, where we would spend many of our days off surfing the beaches around Port Aransas, Texas. 

As I sat in the middle of the board with my legs dangling in the water I saw the biggest fish I had ever seen inside the approaching swell.  Was it a dolphin or a shark, it happened so fast I wasn’t sure, so I lifted my feet out of the water, lay down on the board and paddled in.  The mother who was chaperoning the girls from the beach house where I’d borrowed the board had posted a girl on the beach to watch me surf.  I told her my story and we watched for signs of a shark or a dolphin pod, but in a little less than an hour I was back in the water waiting for that perfect ride, for I had been growing my life skills as a storm surfer.   

Today, I start radiation on my right 7^th rib, feeling the stormsurf building I have been readying myself for the challenges that come with such a ride.  As I paddled out through my morning prayers and meditation for this radiation ride, I found many friends paddling out with me, and turned to find more on the beach watching and waving.  I realized even storm surfers don’t do life alone, and that is what makes each ride so special.     

The Practice of Pause

Last night MaryBeth and I completed our plans for a California vacation split between Pacific Beach and Coronado.  There something about a beach vacation with its endless waves, hermit crabs, sea birds, and mesmerizing sunrises and sunsets that soothes our souls.  I have learned that beach vacations reframe my mindfulness as I practice life’s gentle honesty on beach walks where my sight, hearing, and sense of smell is sharpened and retuned.  On these vacations I relearn the practice of pause, or refraining from having to always fill up my life space with tasks, projects, and action.  In these moments of pause, I experience life’s spaciousness and reconnect with the “be” inside.  Relearn the practice of pause today and experience gentle honesty.   

Experienced Not Always Understood

It was a deep pain radiating from my gut, but I felt it the strongest around my heart.  Last week there were days I struggled to let it go, and after several sleepless nights, exhausted my body finally closed me out and I slept.  Nepo calls worry the mental echo of fear and as its reverberations get louder, we lose confidence in ourselves, in others, and the goodness of life. 

I woke refreshed, still facing the challenges that had exhausted me with worry, but renewed realizing how much joy I experience in ways I don’t always understand.  I sat on the bench in our small front garden, and as our cat Sun Dance brushed his tail along my calf, I felt a love I don’t always understand radiating joy deep within my heart.  Today, be open to the full experience of life, you don’t always have to understand.