Patience – Waiting for what we do not see.......

Yesterday, I got home at 3:30pm and climbed into bed, fighting my nausea and trying not to lose the small meal I’d eaten just an hour before.  Multiple infusion therapies since January has left me with all the expected side effects that at times pulls and pushes me into dark corners.  My hair and beard loss has transformed me into someone friends don’t recognize till they see my eyes, or hear my voice.  “Bill is that you?”  Many tell me I look younger without my beard, and I have slowly gotten used to seeing the beardless, white-haired man in the mirror each morning.  My fingernails and toenails have become brittle and sore; they have developed ridges and are an unhealthy brown color.  The nail brittleness combined with my neuropathy makes my toenails hard to keep trimmed because of the pain.  My biggest battle is with fatigue, and I’ve started carrying a walking stick which significantly decreases my energy expenditure and has increased my stability.

As I laid in bed yesterday, my meditation and conscious connected breathing exercises steadied my nausea and calmed my stomach.  Soon I had returned to our Vermont vacation and was sitting on the banks of Lake Champlain watching a glorious sunset paint the sky in shades of gold with streaks of orange and red.  In that moment of reflection, I realized it was my patience that blessed me with a golden sky to be framed in my soul forever.  If we had left the banks of Lake Champlain too quick, we would have missed the layering of colors, silhouetted clouds, fishing boats and gently rolling mountains.  Patience billy, this too shall pass, chemo is only a temporary phase that you are passing through.  It is not your life.  I am reminded of Paul’s words in Romans, “But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience”.  Be patient with me.