Crawling off the Edge

Yesterday, I had a bone marrow biopsy and heart scan scheduled that had me on edge, we all know the feeling.  The biopsy was easy.  The massive heart scan plate centered itself over my heart, but I was no longer in the room, I was running, ammo was scattered across the ground, Tommy’s body was next to his overturned jeep.  I knelt, felt for a pulse and started my CPR checks, head, chest, arms…..the lower half of his body was gone.  I lifted his head up and cried.  I have not gone back to my first soldiers death for many years, why today, and then I realized, Tommy had come back to remind me, I’d had lived through much worse days.  

Starting a New Day

We entered the elevator together and I heard them talking about going home.  I ask “Where are you from?” and he told me they lived on a beautiful lake in Arkansas.  When I was a Boy Scout, every summer my troop camped for 2-weeks in Arkansas.  In Scouts my nickname was “Trees” for I climbed faster and higher than most, but my real value was being the first scout up and starting the morning fire using just the left over coals.  I still practice this today, getting up early, starting my day with prayers / meditation that connect me to the “be” part of me, and stokes my passion for life and another day.  How do you start your day?  

Last Golf Lesson

My dad was born in Punxsutawney PA in 1914, and after flying in WWII, and Korea he lived over 50 years in Baton Rouge.  He loved to play golf.  On one of our last family visits with him he took us golfing.  His cancer and chemo had left him too weak to play, but we’d park his cart close enough for him to provide a few last golf lessons, or were they life lessons.  Toward the end of the day I was blessed with one last lesson from my dad on a short putt, “Billy widen your stance, set up a stronger base / foundation, feel it, believe, and let go!”  Today, feel it, believe and let go!  

Washout Days

Several weeks ago I stopped taking my pill that blocked the androgen receptors and prevented my cancers growth.  My cancer had found new sources of androgen fuel, so we decided to move to a more aggressive offensive strategy.  I’ve noticed little things that I’d lost, during these washout days.  Like the softness of my wife’s hair, or how I feel when I first hear her voice in the morning.  Yesterday, we enjoyed the sunshine, and spent the afternoon on our picnic blanket at a Rice University park.  Surrounded by families, dogs, and kids I watched the sun go down, and noticed how MaryBeth’s eyes, reflected the setting sun, and with my finger, I traced the sun’s blushing smile as it spread across her cheeks.    

LSU Gift of Teamwork

I grabbed the first sweatshirt I could reach and as I read “LSU Tigers” across its front I was immediately standing on the 50 yard line in Tiger Stadium, handing the game ball to the officials.  The roar of the 68,000 fans is indescribable, and as I turn to run off the field, I do what I did at every game and wave to my dad sitting in the nosebleed section.  I was the first head football manager to receive a full scholarship at LSU, but what I learned about teamwork became so much more valuable and has lasted a lifetime.  Today, I again wave to my dad way up in his nosebleed seat, “Thanks dad!”  Thank someone today for believing in you.  

Take Time to Reenergize

The meeting in Austin had a good start with several excellent presenters, lots of dialogue, and an evening social at a Speakeasy.  But I was tired, and realized I needed some self-time to reenergize, so I didn’t attend the social.  Tony Schwartz, in his book “The Way We’re Working Isn’t Working, builds a strong case for how after only 90 minutes of high-intense work, our bodies begin to shut down, and our thinking becomes more reactive than reflective.  That evening, I took a walk, watched the sun go down, ate a relaxing supper in a small diner, and sat on the back porch of the B&B with the back porch cat purring on my lap.  How will you use self-time today?

Attitude Air Steps

I took one last breath before my air step, and then I was falling.  It was my first time to rappel with a M60 machine gun and I started to flip as the ground came up way too fast.  It was last time I made a hard landing carrying the M60, for I’ve been blessed with a “can do” attitude.  This week I learned my cancer has spread to my hip bones.  On a walk two nights ago with my wife MaryBeth, we stopped  under a Live Oak tree, our symbol of love, and I told her how we were starting a new chapter in my cancer journey, and I had no doubt we’d do it “well”.  Take an air step with me today.  

Silent Spaces

Barbara McAfee asks, “Tell us about the silence you won’t ever forget?”  I can feel the day.  My mother’s funeral had been filled with the church music she so loved, the burial service was a blur.  When we got home my dad went to our den to sit in his favorite chair.  My bedroom sat opposite my parents’ bedroom, and I remember standing in the hallway waiting for my mom, for her voice.  Walking outside I waited by the sassafras tree where she had taught me to make sassafras tea.  Finally, I drove to the wildflower fields behind Highland School, picked flowers, felt the breeze, listened to the birds, and we talked. Learn to listen better in your silent spaces for life’s love.  

Engaging Life Lessons

As the room filled up, and we were adding extra chairs to the side aisles, I ask, “Anyone from Louisiana?”  Several individuals raised their hands, and I talked about being raised in Baton Rouge by a very loving mother that lost her fight with cancer as I started college.  Those were good family years, but hard years.  After college I was an Airborne Ranger during Vietnam, and at that time thought my soldier journey would be the hardiest of my life.  I now realize our life journeys unfold in ways that prepare us for what is to come, when we slow it down enough to be open to life lessons.  Today walk slowly and absorb life’s energy and lessons.  

Walking: Paths to Health, Hope, and Joy

Today, I will facilitate a cancer survivor class called “Walking: A Path to Health, Hope, and Joy”.  Walking quiets the mind chatter that keeps us from experiencing the present in its fullness.  We are carried through life, not by our thoughts and emotions, but by the fusion of body-mind-spirit.  Walking better fuses our mind-body-spirit connections, and produces a synergy that is fulfilling and energizes our cellular pathways to health, hope, and joy.  As you walk today be aware of the cellular harmony created in each step, and the healing power of movement.  On my Christmas morning walk I received many gifts; one was the last Blue Plumbago flower of this season.  What gifts will you receive today as you walk?

Wholeness

Yolanda gave me one last hand squeeze, a reassurance that my cancer care team would be there with me over the next couple of weeks of more tests.  I headed for one of my most favorite places in Mays Clinic the chapel and its garden, and for me a place of peace and calm.  But as I walked by the Gift Shop, I was stopped by a message in their window, “Stop, Look, and Listen”.   As I stood by the window I was overwhelmed by tears, realizing that the message blocks in the window had brought me back to the present and wholeness.  When touched by wholeness, time stops and we are calmed, nourished, and renewed.  Stop, look, listen today for your wholeness. 

MRI Experience

In Baton Rouge in the 50’s, we had open sewer ditches in our front yards.  As a small boy, the sewer pipe passing under our driveway was just large enough for me to crawl through.  After one heavy rain, and a dare, I held my breath and went into the sewer pipe to be blown out the other end.  Yesterday, lying in an MRI tube with the whirling sound of energy all around me, I was back in the sewer pipe waiting to be blown out the other end.  I had a mild reaction to the contrast agent, but the instant I felt my body shift back in time, I felt a clam, for I already knew the ending.  Let life experiences strengthen you in 2015.

I'm So Grateful

Yesterday I walked for a few minutes with one of my early mentors at MD Anderson; he ask “How are you?” and I talked about my kids, grandkids, and Christmas at the lake house.  So he ask again, how are you, I stopped and realized how easy this question was to answer.  “I’m so grateful, I’m loved, we have a new puppy that keeps you smiling, and my job provides me the opportunity to have real impact.”  How are you, what words would describe your start to 2015?  I remember the first time I heard Karen Drucker sing I’m So Grateful, I remember the tears, joy, and feeling MaryBeth’s fingers wrapped tightly around mine. How are you?       

Karen Drucker sings I'm So Grateful

Listening and Grow More

It was bitter cold at the company formation and many were waiting for my first words as their new commander, but after roll call I dismissed them and then walked around that day talking to soldiers in their space listening to “their stories”.  As a hospice worker I understood that for most families, first days of care were not easy, you could feel the tension created by not wanting to give up the fight.  I learned it was best to give hugs when appropriate, warm cold hands and listen to their stories.  Maybe it’s where I am in my life journey, or the blessing I’ve received from just listening.  This year, I plan to listen more, and grow more through the stories I’m being told. 

Word Guides for 2015

Helen and Joe did veggie snacks at our lake house, and then we all headed for their ranch for bottle rockets and bean wraps.  I lay on my back near their fireplace surrounded by crystal bowls, and as Joe helped them sing their harmonic sounds raised three words to guide me in 2015.  Patience with myself and others, presence in the life moments I am given, and perseverance with my life and cancer journey.  I have been wearing a prayer bracelet for a few months to slow life down, but as the bowls sang I realized it would serve as a connection to my three word guides.  What words have you chosen to guide you during 2015?