Turning Points & Surrender

It was his 2nd day of chemo and you could see the nausea slowly building behind his eyes, and yet his spirits were good.  As we talked, a wave of dark memories washed over me as I remembered my first few months in the hospital with my broken back, and the horrible pain and accompanying nausea.  Those days were wrapped around morphine shots until one night, alone and sobbing, I had a silent visitor teach me, surrendering to the pain and relaxing was better than a morphine shot.  The last line of Toni Morrison’s, Song of Solomon is, “If you surrender to the air, you can ride it.”  Surrendering isn’t about giving up, it’s all about shifting to a place from which you can grow.  

Connectedness

Yesterday, I visited with a young man starting 5 days of chemo.  As I talked to him and his parents, I kept thinking how cancer is a family affair.  I walked to the parking garage with a minister who’d been visiting a parishioner, and as I left him at the elevator, I thought we don’t do cancer alone.  Today, I have early labs and then will meet with my oncologist mid-afternoon to discuss my cancer markers.  MaryBeth woke early and asks, “You see your oncologist today right, you okay?” I said yea, I’m in a good place.  A few minutes later she said, “We’re dealing better with OUR cancer”, and I agreed, for you don’t do cancer alone!  Connectedness is powerful medicine!   

Celebrate Being Alive

We’ve had our lake house for a little over 10 years, and somehow usually miss when our pear tree is in full bloom and covered in white fluffy flowers, but not this year.  This past weekend, my meditation walks usually ended at the pear tree, where I’d get lost in her warmth.  It’s always hard to leave the lake house on Sunday and return to the city, but last weekend was even harder, knowing we’d not return for several weeks because of travel, and the pear blossoms would probably be gone.  I smiled as we drove away realizing I’d celebrated the miracle of life with a pear tree.   In your meditation walks today, celebrate the miracle of being alive.  

Engaged Resilience

I love the new greens as the trees leaf out, and the grasses begin weaving their luscious carpet softly sprinkled with yellow, pink, and violet wild flowers.  Nature’s resilience is amazing in a world that in so many ways doesn’t seem to care.  This weekend I received emails from individuals that have dealt with multiple challenges, and somehow keep coming back with their spirits intact.  Resilience is one’s ability to persevere and adapt, and its foundation is optimism and positive thinking.  George Everly at Johns Hopkins suggests tenacity and interpersonal connectedness / support might be the most powerful predictors of resilience. We are neurobiologically wired for connectedness, but it is our life experiences that complete the circuits.  Is your positivism connected to others?

Attitude of Courage

We all have had moments of great fear in our journeys.  Times when we’ve run out of options and can no longer outrun the moment.  One of my favorite Patton quotes is, “Courage is fear holding on for a minute longer”.  I walked through the hospital yesterday filled with patients, caregivers and staff facing situations they never would have anticipated.  A whole family was wearing CANCER SUCKS t-shirts, definitely a family with an attitude.  The life space between fear and courage is miniscule.  The fear that disconnects us also drives us to first steps, and the courage to move forward, but it all depends on our attitude.  Attitude is the way we connect with our be-ingness.  Have courage to “be” today!     

Laughter Yoga

Laughter Yoga Class MD Anderson

“How important is laughter in your life?”  That question started my laughter yoga class yesterday with a group of cancer survivors and caregivers.  Research shows stress weakens our immune systems, can cause body resistance to treatments, and disturbs the healing process.  Laughter is a positive sensation that balances the chemical and hormones of the body.  It triggers the release of endorphins; the brains own painkiller and promotes an overall sense of well-being.  Laughter yoga is group exercise for the nervous and cardiovascular systems, and our spirits.  It’s a mix of clapping, chants, laughter and child playfulness.  The good news is that your body can’t differentiate between real and fake laughter, so the mantra in laughter yoga class is “fake it till you make it”.  

Achill Island Ireland

I love how life weaves together.  Our vacation to Achill Island off the coast of Ireland with good friends was special.  We hiked the sheep paths up Slievemore Mountain, and stood on the cliffs and watched the endless roll of black waves.  We rented surfboards and taught our daughters how to surf.  My great grandmother Sarah Baun was born in Ireland in 1843.  Sarah married Henry Baun, my great grandfather in 1864 in Pittsburgh.  My oldest Baun family Bible has a date written on its back cover of 1868.  Each time I hold this Bible, I imagine Henry and Sarah reading from it, and I am touched by a faith that reaches back 150+ years.  Pass your faith in life on!

Post-Traumatic Growth

I knew the feeling.  When I first got back, car backfires would send me sprawling on the ground looking for cover.  They were from New Orleans, and it was easy to see the fear that had worn him down in his caregiver journey.  She was on her third bout of cancer; but now she took care of him.  Last week, an oncologist introduced me to the term “post-traumatic growth” (PTG).  There are people who when faced with a major life crisis flip the experience into positive, meaningful change.  My 8-year cancer struggle has brought me new opportunities; deepened my spiritual beliefs, changed my priorities, and given me a greater appreciation for life.  Are you going through hard times, be open to growth!   

Stretch to Be

Saturday was a blur.  I fell asleep on a reclining deck chair, covered by a soft throw, bird songs, and feeling the wind and sun, as American poet Diane Ackerman’s words whorled around me, “I don’t want to get to the end of my life and find that I just lived the length of it.  I want to have lived the width of it as well.”  When did I realize there is a width to my life?  Life width isn’t something we one day wake up understanding, and it’s not something someone else gives us.  Life width is “lived” by being fully engaged in the journey, and mindfully present to experience each moment as we stretch to be.  Today stretch to be!

How Do I Cope With My Cancer

She stood on the sidewalk, wearing pink pajamas and holding her IV pole while she smoked a cigarette and talked on her cell phone.  I was heading home and riding by Texas Children’s hospital, and quickly realized she was just a kid.  Fighting a disease at any age is tough and can be very stressful.  The helplessness, anger, and fear we feel can keep our fight-or-flight stress response turned on, overexposing us to stress hormones that disrupt body processes and disable our natural self-repair systems.  How do I cope with my cancer journey?  First, I had to admit stress exists!  Then I started carving out time in my day to practice stress-reducing strategies that work for me.  Take charge of your stress!

Recharging

She was surprised, “You’ve walked 13,000 steps, want a ride back to MD Anderson?”   My afternoon had been a race around our campus, and ended with a final meeting at another hospital.  I smiled, “Nah, I need the walk, it’s the way I recharge”.  The rain, the master artist, had left a path of fresh vibrant colors, and several times, I stopped to enjoy rain licked flower petals.  Most of us spend our days working hard to connect with others and ourselves.  Author John Maxwell reminds us that connection begins with a commitment, and commitments take energy.  I’ve learned, I am only effective when I plug my energy leaks and keep my batteries charged.  Are you leaking energy or in need of a recharge?

Sadness

Sadness has a footprint we all know too well.  He was crying in the hallway, as he leaned against a wall with one arm wrapped around his head.  I walked up, gently waited and walked him into the chapel as he whispered, “We’ll be okay”.   Sadness, triggered by events of great impact, is our longest lasting emotion and strengthens as we ruminate and look for ways to cope.  Life with or without a cancer journey will have sadness.  My beliefs, values, and life experiences have blessed me with an emotional resilience that gives me the ability to be present with my feelings, but ensures I don’t stay stuck by reminding me I’m a “thriver” not just a survivor.  Do you thrive or just survive?      

Body Echo

I first tried out for football with a friend; we were really too small for even the junior varsity team.  However, coach didn’t send us home, and for years he watched over us, and let us grow into the football players we would become.  This weekend I had a body echo as I heard him say, “Baun, go in and show them how it’s done”.  I would never be an offensive guard, but coach knew I always gave 120%.  After an almost perfect trap block I ran back to the sidelines, where he hit the top of my helmet, “Good job”.  I felt his hand again this weekend as I was thinking about what makes me special - I TRY.   What makes you special?

Peak Life Moments

We all have experienced peak life moments that can cause a cascade of emotions. These life changing intense aha experiences can’t be ordered or planned, but involve instant insight that is deeply meaningful. Every several years he’d stay a few days in the hospital, but this time it was different, he was dying, and he was angry. He’d been estranged from his son for years, and as his son waited outside with tears and a remorseful heart, as he told us, “I have no son”. His son waited until he died to finally stand by his bed and tell him how much he loved him, and how far away that angry little boy was today. My hospice work gave me several peak life moments, and this was one. Angry moments held too long holdout love, and “life without love, is no life at all”.

Life Sea of Love

We all experience peak life moments that cause a cascade of emotions.  These life changing intense aha experiences can’t be ordered or planned, but involve instant insight that is deeply meaningful.  Every several years he’d stay a few days in the hospital, but this time it was different, he was dying, and he was angry.  He’d been estranged from his son for years, and as his son waited outside with tears and a remorseful heart, he told us, “I have no son”.  His son waited until he died to talk to his father.  My hospice work gave me several peak life moments, and this was one.  Angry moments held too long holdout love, and “life without love, is no life at all”. 

Lean Forward

Last week I had my first oncologist visit after starting a clinical trial.  My cancer markers had risen slightly and the nurse could tell I was concerned, she smiled, “Your cancer is like a train going 150 mph, and when we put on the brakes, it skids a little before it stops.”  Walking out I felt better for my life has always been like a train going 150 mph, and I’ve rarely used the brakes.  My dad and mom taught me to “lean forward” in life, like in skiing, and use the edge provided by faith, family, friends, and a willingness to learn from my failures to maximize my life experience.  What a joy!  Are you leaning forward enough and using your edge?

Still Moments

Riding home on my bike after working out last night, I could feel the full moon through the trees.  I finally stopped and watched as clouds sweep across her glow like gentle waves drawing me deep within a still moment.  Lately, I’ve been taking more time in my day for still moments, moments where I experience life more deeply between each breath.  Time is not lost in still moments, but gained by the realization that I am and will always be.  My practice of still moments each day has become an integral step in my daily journey of moving ever closer to the me that allows me to “be”.  Do you practice still moments?

Brain Fog

We beat the approaching storm out of Los Angeles, but landed in Houston in a very dense fog.  Landing at night, I love to watch the city lights magically appear, but instead the runway lights appeared just as the plane wheels hit the ground.  Brain fog can be one of the many side effects of chemotherapy or hormone therapy.  Some refer to brain fog as “clouding of consciousness” or a disturbance in the ability to be aware of oneself and the environment. My brain fog experiences have helped develop my mindfulness, or deeper awareness of my inner and outer worlds.  Presence or the stability of my mindfulness has made me more aware of the space through which ripples of doing come and go.